Around 2 pm this afternoon, she fell fast asleep after a lunch of tomato soup, popcorn, and a grilled cheese sandwich. She was really tired. 30 minutes passed, and hour. At 3:45 I told her she had to wake up.
Around 5 pm she put on her running shorts and shoes and went out for a 15 minute run. She ran about 200 paces before she suddenly felt dizzy, ducked into the community's clubhouse and laid down for a few minutes. When she got her strength back, she walked right back home. She was as white as a sheet. She laid down in her bed, went into a cold sweat, and complained of digestive tract pain. Now I'm in let's-make-sure-this-doesn't-turn-into-another-trip-to-the-ER mode.
This only happens after she stays at her father's house. Yes, it's a chronic problem she has and we've had to monitor this since she was a preschooler. But with a little bit of regulation in lifestyle, she's symptom-free. At least as long as she's staying at our house. Is this a coincidence?
In my language use, the term co-parenting is a hypothetical situation in which the parents of a child work together for that child's well-being. Grace's father thinks we coparent. If only it were that easy. As I understand co-parenting (as the concept was explained to Grace's father and me many aeons ago by a very expensive court-ordered mediator), it constitutes a common set of guidelines for parenting, bolstered by a good bit of communication. By the time we left the last session with the mediator, I realized that we didn't even agree that we weren't already co-parenting.
Actually, he doesn't parent at all as far as I can tell. I think he figures she's got everything under control and lets her set her own agenda. He asks her how school or life is going and she says, 'fine.' Given her ability to navigate this environment, and given that she has become quite adept at transitioning between his home and mine, I often have to remind myself of how well she juggles it all and give her credit for being on top of a lot.
The point is, I concluded long ago that it was futile to try and change this situation. I could pay attorneys a lot of money and I could waste a lot of time in court trying to get Grace's father to act like a parent. But in the end, nothing would change. Unless you really believe there's abuse or neglect going on (and remember, you have to define abuse and neglect the same way the court does), forget it. Nothing will change. It's not that I think the court's doing anything wrong -- there simply is no way for the court system to make parents be good parents. The result is that when we find ourselves where I think we are now -- Grace exacerbating a chronic health condition because no one was looking out for her -- I just sit back and think, damn, that irresponsible jerk.
1 comments:
What you describe "could" constitute medical neglect. But, as you say, it is typically a lengthy, very expensive legal issue with no guarantee of achieving any worthwhile objective. Its got to be very frustrating for you, and worrisome, if not downright scary. Coparenting is such a delicate juggle.
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