I wish I could remember what this says about my personality type

I'm angry. I've been ruminating over what's bugging me for days. (There are other, more important, reasons why I have been scarce on the blogging lately, however). It's a friend who was insensitive. It wasn't the topic of conversation, it was the manner of conversation. It was the attitude. It's what the attitude says about how this person views themselves in the world and in relation to others.

An old friend, K., a friend who's been in my life since middle school, emailed to ask how I was. I told her I was really busy but that I would telephone when I got a chance. A few days later on the bus, the chance presented itself.

I have gone through several ups and downs with K. throughout our lives. We detested each other for a year in high school, then became best of friends over a summer. People who knew us were a bit shocked. They had to clarify with both of us that we really were talking about our sworn enemy from the year before. Unfortunately for me, I now remember why I disliked her that year. That reason still stands and, in many ways, always has -- K. is mean. I'm not sure why, she just is. To give you a feel for it, these would be a sampling of what a conversation between us might sound like:

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ME:

I'm thinking of putting highlights in my hair.

K.

That is so retarded and gay. You would look awful with highlights.

Only losers put highlights in their hair.

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ME:

I like BOY so much, but he doesn't seem to talk much.

K.

Because he's a loser with no life.

ME:

How so?

K.

He wears the lamest clothing and he's a complete moron.

I've known him since he was 4-years-old because my mother knows his mother.

He couldn't read until he was 9.

Do you REALLY want to waste your time on someone so stupid?

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K.

I'm going to the mall today because I need to get clothes. Can you meet me there?

ME:

I'll have to ask; it's a far way and I'm not sure I can use the car.

K.

Oh my god! Are you going to let your parents rule your life forever?

Tell them it's really important and that you have to go!

Your mom is completely unfair to you and you know it!

You're not being fair to me and being a good friend to me!

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OK, so you get the idea. It sounds like a badly written teen novel, doesn't it? She's critical. Very, very critical. Selfish. Manipulative. At this point in my life, I can see that when I was a teenager I was not confident enough to say 'enough.' If someone criticized my opinion, I was hurt and I thought that I was dumb for not seeing that my opinion was wrong. Worse, I would disagree, but I would let my objection fester inside without ever voicing how much I disagreed with someone. Someone like K. caused me to feel like I was walking on eggshells, careful to make sure everything I did, wore, said, felt, and liked was something she would approve of. THAT was a long time ago.

Why am I still friends with her? Funny, I have asked myself the same question. We haven't lived in the same city for more than 15 years. For almost 10 we haven't even lived in the same time zone. There was a point in the long distance relationship that I got tired of the discourse. It was so, well, negative. I made the decision to let the friendship fade away. I stopped calling, replying to emails, or writing for awhile. I stopped giving out info, and just replied with things like, 'well, everything goes along the way it does. Status quo, nothing interesting to say here.' I think she got bored of it. The phone calls and the emails stopped. I got a Christmas card. Then months passed without an update. Maybe even a year. I'm not sure.

Then my first marriage ended and after a few months, news had traveled. I got a surprise phone call. It went something like this: "I had a dream last night and in it you and your husband got divorced! I was so scared and it was so real, I just had to call!" Hm. OK. If it were you in that situation, how would you respond? I told K. what was going on in my life and kept my wits about me. Yes, of course there was something to talk about, but I was not sure I trusted her. I didn't really want to be vulnerable to K.

Since then, we've been in touch. She's had children, I've gotten married, life goes on and on. And then, the event of last week that tipped me past the breaking point. Back to the phone call.

During the phone call while I was on the bus, I jokingly brought up politics. She and her husband are big republicans. Not subtle, I tell you. They like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. I brought up politics as a last comment to say that we'd better end the conversation now before how I really feel about McCain came up. I laughed off the next few minutes of conversation. Then the next morning I got the email.

Again, I know we're talking about politics here, but I want to be clear that the offense had nothing to do with a difference of political opinion. The email from K. opened like this:

"I woke up at 5:45 this morning troubled about our conversation we had yesterday about politics and voting. I could think of many different things that could prove my point, however, there is really only one that seems salient at this point. I would like you to listen to my thoughts and not make any hasty judgments. I realize that this is a bold move and may hurt our friendship, but I can’t help but bring it up because I know you pretty well and the person I know could never stoop to voting for someone [emph. mine] just because the media told you to and without checking every detail of a persons life and then coming to a conclusion."

'Someone' highlighted above refers to Barack Obama, but again, that's not what offended me. What really, really, REALLY bothers me is this line: "the person I know could never stoop to voting for someone just because the media told you to and without checking every detail of a persons life and then coming to a conclusion." After all these years, more than 20, she asserts that I am making my choice in voting because the media is telling me something. I'm offended. I am, and always have been, someone who bases my opinions on facts and values that I have already formed. Yet in one sentence she reduced that thoughtful reflection to superficial sensationalism. And there's another thing. Her statement entails that she knows me pretty well. But not well enough to know that the second entailment -- I am making my choice in voting because the media is telling me something -- couldn't possibly be correct.

I know I reacting to more than just this one comment. I am reacting to 20 years of mean girl behavior. I'm realizing that K. is not evolving.

Most all of my friends who know K. dislike her. I don't have any friends who wish they could spend time with K. On the contrary, my friendship with K. is confined to just her. There is no one in my life who wants to accompany my time with her. Including my husband.

Every so often in my life, I evaluate the people who are in my life and that I invest time, energy, and sometimes even money into. I have a strange life philosophy on this -- friendships are temporal. Some last a lifetime and others are there for a time. One shouldn't feel ashamed or apologize for a lapse in a friendship that has lived its life. But more than that, relationships that are toxic and leading you to a stagnation in your own growth should be carefully pruned out. Of course, this is delicate business. You don't prune someone out because they're going through a rough patch or because of one mistake. But I think I want to intentionally let this friendship fade away again.

I was K's maid of honor. K. adds nostalgia into our relationship by sending old photos and cards every so often. K. apparently values her friendship with me. It just seems like there must be an answer to this. Is it worth keeping people like K. in your life? How do you interact with them?

I am realizing that my teenage tendency to avoid overt conflict and yet seethe inwardly with anger is not isolated to my teenage self.