Here we go again on the ADHD cycle

I've been holding off on writing about this because we have had one hell of a roller coaster ride for the last couple months. Tomorrow Grace and I are officially having an appointment with her pediatrician for evaluation of ADHD. The pediatrician has all the paperwork from the school and me in order for this evaluation to go through. We may, indeed, get to the bottom of all this.

"Why now?" you may ask. Great question.

Since Grace was in preschool, she was not quite like the other kids. She was easily distracted and overly talkative. Often she didn't join in what the group was doing. And she had a very difficult time holding still. But she was bright. She was able to keep up with her peers. Sure, her teachers always said she could do more, but that would come in time as she matured.

About the time she was in second grade, she couldn't keep up with what was average in the classroom. It was clear, despite the fact that she seemed bright, that she was doing less than what she could. There was evaluation, intervention, concern, discussion, all sorts of lingo.

Her parents got divorced; maybe this contributed to her symptoms. She moved to a new state and school; maybe that was an interfering factor. She changed schools again where she was in a very different culture (arts magnet school, she was the only white student of 150 students in her grade); maybe that was something she'd have to adjust to. She moved again; she seemed not very disciplined, but she could keep up if her parents made her.

The bottom line is, she was never diagnosed with ADHD and as she grew older, I wasn't sure that a diagnosis would do any good even if she had it. She intentionally threw an evaluation with a school psychologist in 6th grade just because she was mad at being pulled out of class without her consent. And the intervention she got at school didn't seem to help anything since she was still failing math and barely passing science.

We're on year 11 of formal education now. At the end of every school year, she looks about like the typical kid of that grade. But at the start of the next year, she looks very immature and can't really adjust to the demands being put on her. New teachers, new classes, new schedule, new classrooms, new grading systems, it takes months to get used to. Just about the time she gets used to it, the school year is over and all that work of adjustment is lost.

And then came high school. We started the year with a bang. I thought. But slowly it came to light that Grace.....was Grace. Her algebra teacher is very worried. She didn't pass the first term of algebra. Now halfway through the second term, she is failing science and algebra. And all, I repeat all, of her teachers are concerned. Her guidance counselor said, you see all the kids coming down the hall and when you spot her you think, she's hyperactive.

Here's the catch: no amount of intervention, no amount of evaluation, no amount of concern, effort and care, no amount of any of it matters one iota unless the kid wants it and is bought into it. All these school faculty and administration, me and her stepdad, and the lord almighty himself could agree that she needs help, but it does no good if she doesn't want it. So the goal for me in communication with her at this point was, get Grace to realize that everyone is trying to help her. Get her to be involved. Get her to be in power in the situation. Make her understand that she can be completely informed and call all the shots if she wants.

By age 12, Grace had already decided she'd had enough of the system and didn't care if she failed, just as long as she would never have to be singled out as "special" and "needing help" again. How do you convince that kid that it doesn't have to be that way? How do you sell her on the idea of giving it one more chance?

First I promised her, and I made her teachers swear to holding this promise, that all information on her ADHD (or other diagnosis and intervention) would be completely confidential. And then I told her she could come to all the planning meetings and told her what to expect. And the bottom line is, somewhere in this whole situation, I am finding it essential to balance the wishes and will of an almost-adult against what I think is best for her.

In truth, she can choose to completely check out of school. Yeah, I wouldn't be happy about it, but there's really nothing I could do to stop it if that's absolutely what she chose to do. I don't think that's what's going on; I think she genuinely is facing difficulties and she really needs the help of the available specialists in the school and in the medical community. But nonetheless, if she decides that she doesn't want the help, that it's too risky and too high of a cost to be identified as having a disability, I really can't override her choice at this point. I could in practice, but in reality, my override would be impotent and useless.

I am hoping, wishing, dreaming, holding my breath, for the results of all this. Is it possible that she could start taking some medication and in a month she would look like herself sans all the behavior problems? Is it possible that by having all her teachers and administrators on the same page that she could be supported through her school day and be able to stay on track?

I can't believe that she's almost 15 and I haven't even gotten past this stage yet.