Handling the boys

A couple weeks back someone who knew Grace at a younger point in her life asked me how she was. I told them about transition to high school and how that affects her social life. I told him about the most recent school dance at her school. He wanted to know whether Grace had a date. I said, "No, she's just not that into boys." I explained that she's definitely into putting up posters of celebrities and gossiping with her friends, but when it comes to actual boys, she's pretty wary.

And that's pretty much true. Her friends are into having boyfriends and going out on dates and all the rest, but she's not interested in that. For a while I thought that it was just that Grace ran with a group of kids whose parents were like me, so there was no chance 14-year-olds were going out on dates. But that turns out to be false. A little while ago when I was driving Grace and her friends to the mall, one of her friends was talking about her boyfriend. She was trying to explain to Grace and the other girls why she hadn't broken up with him yet. And then she quickly realized, I was in the car and listening to the whole schpeal. She asked me please not to tell her mom. Then she explained that her parents don't allow her to go out on dates. I asked for clarification -- she's going out out on dates with this boy...and her parents don't know about it? She's a pretty nice girl and with pretty attentive parents. I wanted to know, how is she getting out of the house at age 14 to go on dates with a boy without her parents knowing? She explained that she would ask them to drop her off somewhere, saying she was meeting friends. Only she wasn't meeting friends, she was meeting the boyfriend.

There's a great aside I have to interject here. I told Grace's friend that I wouldn't tell her mother, but I also told her that she needed to be careful and make sure she was safe. That was the most important. She completely misunderstood me. She quickly replied and told me that they weren't messing around or having sex or anything. I assured her that I was sure she wasn't because this group of girls was pretty smart and knew that wasn't a good idea at their age. No, I was talking about her physical safety, given that her parents were left in the dark about where she was and what she was doing. If no one knew where she really was and who she was really with, that meant she was on her own to take care of herself. I'm not sure she understood the point I was making.

So Grace is well in the loop when it comes to boys and dating and all the rest. She just doesn't want it for herself.

I suppose this might be evidence she actually listens to me and takes my advice. I told her at the beginning of this school year that if I were her, I would just stay aloof for all of high school. I explained that she could have just as much fun going out with groups of friends and having boys who are her friends as she could if she has one exclusive boyfriend. She listened, but I figured it went in one ear and out the other. Well, it turns out I was wrong.

I can imagine what's going through your head about now. You're wondering how I would ever know whether my daughter has a boyfriend. Maybe she has a boyfriend at school and she's just very careful about talking about it. She's not as careless as her friend was in conversation with me.

That's a good point. I've assumed for several years now that she has crushes. She had one last spring. Didn't turn into anything except a boy who is her friend. And I know she's kissed a boy before because she told me she did. She even went on a "date" while at camp last summer to the dance at the end of the session. And she gets hit on a lot. Sometimes she's oblivious. Most times she catches it because the boys are so bloody obvious at this age. But what's great is when you can catch her in the act of defusing the hit.

A few days ago, a boy she doesn't know sent her a note on facebook. They probably have a ton of friends in common on facebook because he goes to another local high school that a bunch of Grace's friends also go to. In the message, he went straight for the kill: "hey are u very outgoing cuz ur cute." She replied thanks, but do I know you? And then came the reply: "no but I wanna be friends are u busy this weekend?" She got right to it. Yes, she was busy, and she doesn't mean to be rude, but she doesn't go out with guys she's never met before. She goes on about her reputation and how it would be really awkward if she were known for meeting up with strange guys for dates because she wants to move to NYC and be an actress and all.

The exchange goes on for 12 more messages in which she strings a wild tall tale about how her father's family has this really raunchy reputation that she's been trying to live down and she's not going to ruin it now, and how she doesn't mean to be rude but she only meets friends at church and school and volunteer events and stuff, not over facebook, and how he really doesn't want to get her annoyed because she can be really pissy when she's annoyed. If the guy's really a stalker, he's not going to convince Grace to meet him somewhere. If the guy's just a freshman who wants a date, I don't think this is going anywhere.

Don't Ask How I Got Access To This Entire Dialogue And Left No Trace That Anyone Had Been Snooping Through The Private Inbox Of Grace's Facebook Account.