Awhile back, I wrote a post about how it makes me feel when Grace talks to me about her father and stepmother's kids. DragonflyMama, who is a longtime reader of my blog, took notice and commented. This began a dialogue between us, one much more open and sincere than the one we had already had going. We realized through that correspondence that though we play different roles in the stepfamilies we are each creating (I'm a remarried biomom, she's a stepmother), we have one thing in common: lots of disagreement and friction with the other stepfamily. Though it would be nice to believe it is possible to have it otherwise, both of us have had to accept that this situation will probably never change and have leaned on each other in figuring out how to make it work anyways. We recently decided to have a joint guest posting venture, her here at Comparative Childhood, me there at stepmama metamorphoses. Her post below was a response to my questioning to her along these lines: "As a stepmother who also has a biological child, do you feel differently towards these two children? If it is different, how? Is it different like the way a mother says, 'You are all different and I love each of you in a unique way, but I don't love any of you more or less than the other,' ? Or is it different in some other way?"
I am deeply grateful for my friendship with DragonflyMama and how much I have learned from her perspective on life and circumstances. We both have a young woman in our lives, one we care deeply about. Having her ear and hearing her opinions helps me be a better parent. Enjoy!
Please leave your comments! We hope to have a fruitful discussion about how many of us feel. EVERYONE is welcome in the discussion! post script - I'll be guest posting at stepmama metamorphoses this Wednesday, so this isn't the end!
by DragonflyMama
The day my son was born I became a mom. Yet, it’s hard to define exactly when I became a stepmom. The process of becoming a stepparent has been a very hilly journey full of emotional challenges, and just exactly that, a process. Quite different than going through the physical challenges of pregnancy for nine months and then suddenly one day I was someone’s mother.
I met my stepdaughter when she was just 6, and I was 28. I remember the first activity her father, she, and I did together was make collages on my apartment floor. We sorted through magazines looking for pictures of dogs and cats, and popsicles and flowers. She shyly watched me, and I overcompensated for my own shyness by being rather excited about her creations. I remember that day being fun and simple and easy. As her father and I got closer and more involved, I became more and more unsure of how to be with the girl. My own shyness, jealousy, and fears held me back a lot of the time, but so did her mother’s dislike of me and disapproval of me in the girl’s life. I wanted a deeper relationship with this man I knew, but often his time and energy was directed at his daughter. I also could see throughout that time that the child adored me excessively, and I knew needed to live up to her praise. For about a year, we three sorted through our various relationships with each other and through all our ups and downs slowly came to a place of understanding. I guess when we decided to live together and move towards family life together would be when I would say I became a stepmom. Though my role continues to evolve as I learn how to stepparent well.
On the other hand, when I became pregnant and chose to have the child, there was much less confusion for me. I knew from the first second what a large commitment it would be. I had rights to be with this baby and teach him and enjoy him in a way that I did not have at first with my stepdaughter. My relationship with my birth child did not need sorting out, or lengthy conversations to understand, or asking permission from anyone. It just was, and is. Though it is fraught with uncertainty and fear at times, in comparison it is much, much simpler. Of course, this too I am still learning how to do well.
Being a stepmom is most certainly different than being a biomom. I have been stepparenting now for about 4 years, and bioparenting for 3. And yes, I do love them differently. In the most basic understanding of it, I have no choice as to whether I love my son. I just do, it is in my being to love him. I have never had to fight anyone over him, and birthing him was enough to make me love him forever, no matter what.
Like any relationship that begins with two strangers, I do have a choice to love my stepdaughter. I have had to fight my stepdaughter’s mother every single step of the way to be seen as a valid, equal, and involved parent. Though I wish it were not so, her mother’s negative behavior towards me does affect my feelings towards the child. It has been a long, hilly road for me stepparenting, one that sometimes I have wanted to get off. Yet, I have also found that this fight with the biomom continues to reaffirm in myself my commitment to my stepdaughter. In the constant reminding her mother that I am here, parenting, loving, caring for my stepdaughter, I remind myself too, and I remember why I do it. Everyday that I get her up for school, make her lunch, take her to softball practice, wash her sheets, take her for a hike in the woods, buy her new books, and all the other things parents do, I do not because I have to, but because I choose to.
I love them differently, but I do not love my son more than I love my stepdaughter. I simply have been down two very different paths to become a parent to each of them. I have more time, more freedom, and more responsibility with and for my son, and thus I think the love I have for him is more constant and defined. And the connection between a birth parent and child cannot be denied as extremely powerful and deep. My relationship with my stepdaughter has many more constraints, boundaries, and walls to alter and overcome. From her side as well as mine. My love for her changes and grows. Sometimes it feels fast and sweet, sometimes it feels slow and painful. More so than with my son, it varies from day to day, and month to month.
There has been one ongoing highlight for me in being a parent to these two kids. When I see the two of them play, bond, and love each other my own heart becomes more full of love than I knew was possible. Watching these two sweet young people laugh together I sometimes forget how or why I came to be here and truly just enjoy the moment. I think, it really doesn’t matter the roads we’ve been down and the hills we’ve had to climb. All that really matters is the love.
16 comments:
Just wanted you to know that i stopped by and read your post. I'm just a little drained from the weekend and don't have the energy to analyze anything.
But I will agree I have fought a lot harder to love/be allowed to love my step children. It is different. I have all but stood on one foot while spinning in circle with me tongue stuck out in order to love my step kids.
Although as I look back at the last 5 years I think standing on one foot spining in circles with my tongue stuck out would have been much easier.
Thanks for reading, Just Me. And I think your analysis is right on. Maybe you need to stand on no feet and spin in a circle- now that might get someone's admiration!
I think your point is a good one though. With some biomom's, like the one's we each deal with, no matter how hard we try to love and care for our stepkids, the crux of the problem is just that... that we love and care for our stepkids. It's threatening to a woman, it's a risk, it's scary. I think I get that. But I don't really want to have to do the funny dance anymore, just to appease her fears.
I think my hope is that maybe we can ease some fears by talking about it more openly. We'll see...
This was beautiful. I look forward to more of your guest post; of course I just like reading all that you write. It is always good to see things from a different perspective :)
Thanks Serendipitious! I'm one of your biggest fans too!!
These comments have got me thinking. Even though I hear my husband lament about how much work it takes to be a stepparent (more so than a biological parent), I never thought about this in terms of my daughter's stepmother's experience. Do any of you stepmoms out there have the experience of telling the biomom, 'hey, I care about this kid a lot. I want the best for them," ? Would it be heard?
One more thing I wanted to throw out and ask you stepmoms' opinions of:
dragonflymama wrote in her first comment that she feels like a lot of what she has to do as a stepmom is to "appease her fears" [the biomom's]. How do you guys tell the difference between irrational fear and rational fear? In other words, all moms worry about their kids and have concerns, and yes, they have genuine fears. But isn't this a normal healthy part of being a parent (both for bio and step, I would guess)? How do you know when a parent has crossed the line and the fear becomes bad? We all know it happens sometimes, but is it like porn, difficult to define, but you know it when you see it?
(If it helps clarify my question, I'm trying to think through this question myself in a context different from step-relations, like with a teacher or a parent of a friend or something.)
Heather-
As always- you ask good questions. I think an irrational fear is fairly easy to spot. from (like porn- love that anaolgy by the way!!) I think irrational fear is fear that cannot be explained away, it cannot be appeased no matter how hard one tries. I can do everything in my power, say every right word, behave every good way, do everything perfectly well, and STILL Voldemort will fear me in her daughter's life, trying to take her place. I can do the dance, stick out my tongue and jump up and down on one foot if that's what she wants me to do, and STILL she would fear me. Irrational fear is just that- IRRATIONAL. I have only the best of intentions for my SD, and only desire to help her grow up the best she can. Why would her mother fear that??
Irrational fear comes from one's insecurity- in this case, Voldy must really worry a lot about her position as Buttercup's mom, for her to coninue year after year to resist my place as a female parent too.
And I have tried, numerous times, in the beginning, to tell voldy that I do care, that I want to help, that I want the best. She basically said- 'Gee isn't that nice for you, your help is not wanted, now get lost.'
Thus creating the ill will we have so much of today.
Just stopped by to read. What a really good post.
Heather T asks, "Do any of you stepmoms out there have the experience of telling the biomom, 'hey, I care about this kid a lot. I want the best for them," ? Would it be heard?"
I have some experience with this.
My stepdaughter and I will be living together for the first time beginning this summer. She will be starting high school at a new school in September. The school held a "welcome freshman families" evening in April to give the students a tour of the school and inform the parents and students about the academic curriculum, extra-curricular options and school policies. My partner and I felt that it was important that I hear this information (including basic facts like when school begins and ends each day and when vacations are) so that we can run our household in a way that enables his daughter to have the richest high school experience possible. I did not think this was controversial.
The evening had two sessions: an early one for students in the first half of the alphabet, and a later one for the second half of the alphabet (including my stepdaughter). My stepdaughter, her mother, and my partner attended the later session together. I attended the earlier session alone. During the "free time" between the sessions, my partner's former wife must have seen me in the crowd, because she attacked him when they sat down (with my stepdaughter between them) for their session, demanding to know, "Why is [my name] here? This is none of her business! Why do you always have to ruin everything by including her?"
Driving home, his daughter asked him, "Why was [my name] there tonight? She's not my mother. She isn't respecting boundaries." (She's 13, so whose words do you think those are?) My partner explained just a few of the many legitimate reasons for my being at the session -- so I know not to schedule family vacations when school is in session, so I know what time I have to pick my stepdaughter up after school and where the school is, etc.
Two weeks later, my stepdaughter wanted to try out for the Dance Team but couldn't remember any of the details about the try-out sessions. Guess who was the only one who picked up the Dance Team flyer that evening? That would be me. Another opportunity for my partner to point out that there are benefits to having an additional adult working on your behalf.
So, Heather T, I think the answer is, "No, it was not heard in a productive way."
Heather T- on the "would it be heard" question...I broached this topic several years ago and will never do it again. I got the proverbial wind knocked out of me by the response I rec'd. In a rant heard round the world (or at least loud enough that I heard it loud and clear as hubby held his phone away from his ear) my hubby was told "she is not their family, her family is not their family, she has no say when it comes to the kids" Shortly thereafter parent/teacher conferences came around. Out of the blue my SS began telling me how his mom was not going to go to her SD's PT conference because "it's only for parents" quoting Anonymous "whose words do you think those are?" I simply turned to him and said. SS I’m still going to go to PT with Dad because I care about you too and want to make sure you're doing well in school. I'd also like to toss in the fact that BM missed the previous years PT conferences.
So i think it's safe to say that both by the "she's not their family" statement and the "it's for parent's only" statement she choose to not acknowledge the fact that I did/do have their best interest in mind too.
It will only be heard when the parent (mom) is REALLY ready to hear it. For years I have not wanted fugly to deal with me on things. It wasn't until recently that I was ready to hear that from her. I have not wanted to deal with her but after hearing what all you wonderful stepmoms have to say, I had to start hearing it from her.
I might not like the way she deals with me but I do know that she loves K-Boy very much and is a mother figure to him while he is at their house. I also know that her and K-Boy's relationship is nothing like the relationship I have with him. He loves us both in his own way and they don't compete with each other. We both have a place in his heart.
We are both his mom's and we need to work together to make things better for K-Boy. It is extremely hard some days but it is very much worth it.
Anonymous & Just Me (and dragonflymama) re: the "would it be heard" question --
I'm not surprised at your stories and experiences, though I have to admit it's sad to me. I think it's crazy for there to be this much active conflict going on around kids. Yes, I've been through it and I know what it feels like to have everything I think is stable in my child's life suddenly blow up in my face. And I got mad and fearful and all the rest. But rather than discuss this with my ex-husband or the stepmom during separation and divorce (at the time of our separation and divorce, she was the 'other woman'), I mostly went through my attorney to address issues that I thought were detrimental to my daughter. I also had my daughter see a psychiatrist to deal with her anger and left those sessions confidential between her and the doctor. Something about the whole situation and my concern for my daughter prevented me from wanting to talk to my daughter herself about the whole thing; I just felt too one-sided and angry to be responsible about ie. I think about two years passed before I started addressing things with her directly because it was clear at that point that we needed to have a dialogue about what was happening.
So my story as a biomom has been weirder along these lines in that no one ever asked me whether the stepmom could be involved, nor did I address the issue. My ex-husband wasn't attending school orientations or parent/teacher conferences or doctor's visits or girl scout events; what were the chances his girlfriend would show up? I'm not sure what I would have done had the genuine comment come to me. The only time that an overture was made to me about stepmom-biomom cooperation, it was laced with some criticism of my parenting, so I suspected the overture was really more of an opportunity to knock me down a couple notches than a genuine dialogue starter. Nowadays our two families are entirely unrelated; I haven't had any interaction with the stepmom in almost two years now. So the question of what I would do is somewhat irrelevant. But I wonder how I would have reacted if circumstances had been different and one of you had been the stepmom.
Chelly, I just read your comment too; I admire you greatly for your ability to balance your own love for your son while also affirming that his stepmom's love helps him too. Like I said in my last comment, I wonder how I would have reacted if circumstances had been different and one of the stepmom's commenting here had been the stepmom.
My mistake, on my last comment, I meant to address it to serendipitous8! Sorry for the confusion!
I think it is great that Serendipitous can clearly see that her son's love for her is completely separate from his love for his SM. In an ideal world, all moms, and dads and everyone really, would get that simple fact. Because I love one person, doesn't mean I don't love another. Because I love my stepmom, doesn't mean my love for my birthmother is in any way lessened.
One does not have to enjoy the practicalities or realities of "sharing" a child, but one does have to learn to cope with it.
But on that note, as Anonymous points out, and it is like this for my stepfamily SO OFTEN, that I, me, the stepmom, is the one who has a better handle on the details and practical stuff of our family life. If I didn't attend those meetings (though I loathe them), if I didn't get the school emails, if I didn't help plan out the carpool, if I wasn't allowed to make plans for her with her friends parents, etc, then SD's life at my house would be a bigger mess than necessary, and much much more stuff would fall through the cracks. Let's face it, sometimes one parent is better at details that the other, or the otherS. And in my house, it's me.
The whole "not my parent" story is such a crock! You don't have to have passed on your dna to someone to love them, or want to support them, or help make their life go well!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience here. I do not yet have any bio children, just my three step children. My experience has been rather weird I guess. I try to make sense of it by reading about other people's experiences and yet I have a hard time trying to find something that I can relate to in the terms that I really haven't had to fight very hard. The boys' mother really doesn't do much of anything. If anything I feel half the time that I have to try and fight for the boys to make her show them love. I first met the boys on Mother's Day last year and it was kind of awkward at first trying to figure out my place. But I pretty much dove headfirst into steparenting and was expected to act and be a mother-figure that they never had. I can tell that their mom feels threatened by it by the random influx of toys now and then but she still doesn't put much effort into showing that she wants to be their mom. (If that makes sense.)
Anyway, I really appreciate being able to communicate with other stepparents and parents. I've learned a lot and have learned to view my role in another and more positive view.
Wow...what an amazing post. Thank you for such open thoughts, some of what you have said I found articulated some of the things about stepmotherhood that I have not been able to put into words (and I am rarely lost for those!)
Have I ever told BM that I care for her child and want the best for her? Not BM, no, but her mother, once, when I ended up speaking to her after a big row over something trivial. Her mother's response was that it wasn't my place to care or want the best for her, that I was nobody to my SD. But then, they think that her daddy is nobody to her too, so chances are, they're not going to acknowledge me positively. Nevertheless, I wanted those words to be heard by somebody in that family.
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