Grace is sick. Again. Well, not really, she's not really sick. My best guess is that she's temporarily anemic due to poor diet and starting summer swim team training. She had dizzy spells for three days until she told me about it over email. I told her to eat more meat. By day four, she skipped swim practice. She said she woke up late, decided she was too sick to go, and slept in until 10a. Now she says she's fine. She was convinced this was a side effect of starting birth control pills, which she started the day before the dizzy spells started. That's possible, I suppose. I told her to try eating meat or some other iron-rich protein for breakfast, I would call the doctor, and asked her to keep me informed. As I said before, she's been eating protein in the morning (eggs, ham) for two days and she's fine now. I'll take that as a sign that my best guess was right and that the birth control pills aren't having any negative side effects worth noting.
Ooooooooo kaaaaayyyyyyyyy. I'm going to try and make this a productive post, one that doesn't just turn into an ex-husband-bashing-fest.
Last week Dragonflymama and I co-hosted a discussion between biomoms and stepmoms. Her question to me going into this discussion was, how much do I worry about Grace when she visits with her father and stepmother. The honest answer is, quite a bit. I worry not because I think her father is intentionally harmful or awful, but rather because I think he is ignorant. He's ignorant about things that are important for basic quality of life. His younger kids are chronically ill, so I hear. And Grace is frequently ill when she returns from his house for weekend stays and for longer visits. For more about this, you can read here, here, and here. I don't even waste my energy talking about her stepmother on this issue; clearly her father is somewhat inept, and her stepmother either isn't able to help or isn't willing to help.
The most serious thing that's happened regarding this matter occurred just before I started blogging. In the fall of 8th grade, Grace was at her father's for the weekend and he called Sunday afternoon to say she was sick and could I come get her because he didn't want his other kids catching whatever she had. She had starting vomiting that morning. When he called, she was resting and drinking liquids. Bad, bad, bad. See, she has a chronic condition that is serious but manageable through lifestyle choices. The just-letting-her-drink-liquids-and-rest remedy is bad news for Grace. I drove to his house immediately to pick her up, only to find myself at the ER with her for the next nine hours. All night long, I watched her slumber in fatigue. She was woken up after every 1000 ccs of fluid to have her vitals taken. Three times she stood up, they attempted to take her blood pressure, and she subsequently passed out as I was holding her. Needless to say, she needed a few days to recover. (No, he didn't call that night or in the next few days to find out any news of how she was feeling. She didn't call him either.)
I could seek to stop the risk (that is, the risk as I see it) to Grace through legal means. I could just ask the court to cease all overnight stays with her father and let visitation be limited to day visits. I hesitate to do this. Though it would solve her health risks, her father wouldn't stand for it. When I was divorcing the guy and asking for no overnights, citing potential health risks, her father came at me like a bat out of hell. So did his attorney. I realized, I'm losing this one. No matter how much I think this guy is potentially harming his daughter, the court doesn't agree. They think this guy needs time and opportunity to parent his child, including doing so overnight. So that's it. His right to try and parent in a less-than-optimal way is more important than the potential risk to the child.
He was court-ordered not to smoke in confined spaces with her, nor put her in the situation where anyone else would. Like that piece of paper made any difference...
Next, if I did this, I'd get painted as the evil, evil, evil biomom. Really, I would. Can you imagine what this would come off sounding like? I just don't want to deal with the aftermath. And it's likely that the aftermath would come without any improvement to the situation.
Worst of all, Grace would be furious with me if I tried this. Though of late she's shown somewhat of a cooling off in her affection for her father and her eagerness to be with him, she definitely doesn't want to stop seeing him. Or rather I should say, she doesn't want to stop seeing his family. Over Memorial Day weekend, he and his wife hosted a big bonfire party with his friends. Grace and her two toddler siblings were the only children in attendance. (Bonfire? Children? Am I the only one who finds this odd?) Anyways, she willingly attended and, when it was quite late (11p) and the younger children could stay awake no longer, she took them home, put them to bed, and that was that. When she related the story to me she said it had been a great weekend. She said she thought her father and stepmother came home about 3a, though she wasn't sure. She just knew she woke up at 2a and they weren't home. But she was clear to tell me that they weren't drunk. Yeah, of course they had been drinking but they weren't drunk, she was sure of it...
I feel like I'm allowing Grace to continue staying at a friend's house for sleepover while the friend's parents aren't providing a safe environment for anyone in their home. Yes, the friend may be very sweet, and I don't doubt that Grace is having a good time while visiting, but it just isn't safe. The obvious difference, of course, is that I have (as of now) no right to limit the sleepovers, uh, I mean, overnight visitation with her father so he can have an opportunity to parent.
And really, what am I going to tell the courts that's going to justify my concerns? That my daughter eats too much junk food at her father's house? That she's taking care of younger siblings when her father and stepmother want a night off? That she's not getting enough sleep? When I think about how the affidavit would read, it's a weak case at best. And then there's the expense, both financial and emotional.
I know I sound like a broken record. I keep saying, this co-parenting thing is complete shit and I'm tired of compromising just because the courts say I have to. I am tired of sending my daughter off to this household and hoping she's ok. I want better than that for her. I want her to be healthy and calm. I want her to avoid unnecessary stress. Sure, she can have a relationship with her father and his family, but can't she do it without all the excess trouble?
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11 comments:
Heather,
If I remember rightly, she is 15 years old and in high school. I realize that as a parent, we never quit worrying about our kids. And I know, from having a child with chronic health issues, that when you come close to losing them when they're little, that it makes it harder to relax. When B goes to spend the night anywhere- he takes a bag full of medicine with him. And I worry.
However, Grace is old enough to start taking responsibility for her own health. In 3 years, she will be legally an adult. At some time, she will be moving out. I think you need to have a serious discussion with her about stepping up to take responsibility for what she does, when she sleeps, and what she puts in her mouth. Make sure she understands the severity of her condition. And then have her start being responsible for helping to maintain it. It's like a kid with diabetes. They have to learn what they can and can't eat, the symptoms of high and low sugar, and what to do - including when to ask for help. Like my son, he quits breathing. But there are warning signs and he had to learn those signs early so that he could tell even me when something was going wrong.
You raised Grace right and you're always going to worry. It just seems to me that some of this should be her responsibility at her age (like what goes in her mouth) - not just the ex's.
I think Heather said everything she said really well. Your daughter is old enough to understand how her health and medications work.
Side notes: I've had certain BC's deplete my B vitamin levels and I get weird cracking on the corners of my mouth. They can effect weird things.
When I was anemic (9 hemoglobin. Unpleasant), I ate a spinach salad with a petite sirloin (those kind you can get in the plastic that are like $1.50) every other night. Really nipped it in the bud.
Yeah, I meant Amy. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry it's so hard Heather. The co-parenting thing with jerks who just don't get it really, really, really sucks. That's all there is to it.
I wish it were easier for you. And I too agree with Amy. Grace is getting old enough to make her own decisions, and do what's right for herself, both when at her dad's and with you. Even so, it's hard for some kids to go against their parents, or disagree, or dissent in any way. That's where YOU come in, to guide her in this difficult part of growing up, learning to decide what is right for herself.
I would totally be worried too. More so because of the health issues. That must be very tough on you. Hell, I know it's tough on you!
I worry about the boys when we send them off to Jane's too. Mainly because I just don't trust her to be responsible. Especially since her methods of how to handle a crises are to break down and scream and cry and hope that someone else jumps in to save her drowning child instead of take action and do it herself. *Oh, did I say that outloud?* I think that if you help focus on working with Grace to take control of her health issues and to learn to recognize signs of illness she will be for the better. I had to do that with my own issues when I first went off to college and then moved across the country to Michigan. I guess the earlier she learns to recognize and take responsibility the better.
Hi Heather, bless you for caring so much about Grace. She is lucky to have you. She will do a lot of growing up in the next couple of years. Just keep talking/listening, A LOT. Oh, and deep breaths. This parenthood business is wild for any parent who loves enough to stay involved while learning at the same time to let go. xxx ooo
I don't have any answers. We worry constantly when the kids are not with us because they readily admit they don't brush their teeth or have supervision elsewhere. They are not old enough to take responsibility for themselves, and letting someone else play Russian roullette with the kids' lives, even a parent, is nerve-wracking. We continue to reinforce to them things they need to do, even if no one is asking them to do it elsewhere, but I really don't know how much of that is retained or carried out.
Your daughter's defense of her father (he wasn't drunk, even though he came home late) indicates she is aware it was a less than optimal situation. I don't know if that is good or bad, though, truly.
All of you, thank you for all these comments. They have been very helpful in thinking through the situation. Also, thank you for your encouragements and for your empathy. It has been great to hear from all of you.
Amy/Elizabeth/dragonflymama - I got to spend the weekend with Grace and we talked about general health, like sleep, nutrition and exercise. Though we've talked about it before, it made me feel much better to get the chance at this time while I was concerned and she had the experience of wavering health during the week.
Hi Heather, just to say that I understand what you're going through and why you worry. My partner's little girl lives with her mum and only spends 2/3 weekends with us, and we know that she does not brush her teeth every day, or wash very often, and eats a lot of junk food. A lot of the time she goes to school late because she's not had enough sleep and her mum lets her sleep late because she doesn't get to bed at a reasonable hour, she is also left alone with her younger stepsister when they go out. SD doesn't have health issues and DP worries a lot, so I can only imagine how much more worrying it would be if she had health problems.
Even though little one is only 10, we do have discussions with her about making choices over things she CAN control (such as choosing to brush her teeth at night, choosing to go to bed instead of stay up playing computer games). She loves her mum, just like your Grace loves her dad, and although she knows that her mum is a poor parent, it will never stop her wanting to be with her. I agree that the only option is to help her to take responsibility herself, especially at her age.
You're right that the system won't do a thing - here in the UK, it's the same, and DP has expressed his concerns numerous times over how SD is being parented, but it falls on deaf ears, or he is just written off as being petty. So it's up to us to do what we can to help SD cope with the hand she's been dealt. The courts decided that BM was a fit parent to have her daughter full time and relegated DP to part time parenting - what else can we do.
x
Co-parenting is so difficult when you do not have a willing party to co-parent with. Sounds like your daughter does a good job taking care of herself but I imagine being a mom you will never stop worrying about her. I hope it gets easier for you and for her!!
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