Comments on Comparative Childhood: Aaaaah, summer.....visitation.

Owwww...how clearly I remember those days. Your ex...

2009-06-25T18:12:36.112-04:00

Owwww...how clearly I remember those days. Your ex and mine have obviously lived a life in which they never had to grow up, because as you said, someone always takes care of things for them.

I could never decide on the right course of action. Refuse to pick up the slack, even if my kids suffer? Or enable his childish behavior (including the inability to read legal documents that he signed)?

I totally understand how this pushes buttons. There are plenty of times I wanted to shake him like a rag doll.

The only hope I can offer is that as she gets older, develops her own life, and begins to drive, this becomes less of an issue for everyone. Oh, and that's when you get to teach them how an adult child deals with a childish adult. :-)

4 weeks is a long time. I agree that maybe shorter...

2009-06-24T13:27:30.351-04:00

4 weeks is a long time. I agree that maybe shorter time periods are a good idea. How does Grace feel about it? I seriously admire you for handling this as well as you do - don't know how you stand it. I'm looking forward to July 10 right along with you :)

Yogurt - it's a weird balance deciding between...

2009-06-24T11:56:47.011-04:00

Yogurt - it's a weird balance deciding between enabling the ex and supporting the kid. I think this incident placed me somewhere in the middle.

Elizabeth - I LOVE this statement you make. Genius.

Bubblewench - Thanks fer yer support. Check's in the mail ;-)

Serial Mommy - The fact that your ex's name is actually Homer is enough to make me laugh all day.

ironically, my ex's name actually IS homer...i...

2009-06-23T12:30:02.415-04:00

ironically, my ex's name actually IS homer...it's homer joseph, he was named after his grandfather...i'm the only one (aside from the kids, hehe) that calls him homer..all his friends and family call him joe...we jokingly considered naming james "bart" but i thought that was a bit much...

I just think he's a freakin idiot and you'...

2009-06-23T12:12:54.752-04:00

I just think he's a freakin idiot and you're practically a saint for dealing with his stupidity.

Well, at least we all know we've been involved...

2009-06-22T16:29:49.440-04:00

Well, at least we all know we've been involved with "that guy."

I one time said, "It's statistically improbable all of your crazy problems have no correlation to your actions." and broke up with him and then he stalked me for two years. DOH!!!

I think the answer should be no, sorry, I've g...

2009-06-22T16:07:44.625-04:00

I think the answer should be no, sorry, I've got plans. Otherwise he knows you're there to pick up his slackwardness and you're (inadvertently) enabling him. But I do understand not wanting to disappoint your daughter.

Crys - the point you bring up, that kids learn thi...

2009-06-22T15:23:19.174-04:00

Crys - the point you bring up, that kids learn this kind of behavior, is definitely one I have grappled with. For the most part, I don't have to worry about that so much. Maybe it just requires consistency and time...

Serial Mommy - you make me laugh so hard. I hate to tell you, but Grace's father actually jokes about being homer.

dragonfly - as always, GOOD QUESTIONS! First, I'm not taking her to the appointment. Before her father's call last night, she called me on Saturday with cryptic info and a question about whether she could take the bus to the closest stop then walk to our house then I could pick her up and take her to the appointment...and I finally asked, 'is the point here that I am expected to pay for this?' She admitted yes, though there of course was more to the story that she didn't include. She was essentially trying to solve the problem of how to get to the appointment without troubling her father. So her father is bringing her there and then leaving to run some other errands. I'm meeting Grace there to see her, talk to the stylist, and pay for the hair cut. He still tried to get me to take her home the 20 miles but I just said no, the appointment would take 30 minutes at most. I was sure his errand running wouldn't take less than that, so he could just as easily swing on by when he was done.

Yeah, you're right, this incident isn't that big of a deal. This late phone call last night lasted about 5 minutes and at the end I just asked him, 'why did she schedule a hair cut at such a bad time?' Then I offered to him that if it was so inconvenient just to have her cancel and reschedule. We ended the call a few seconds later. It was after I hung up that I thought, 'how hard of a solution is that? It's not like Vidal Sassoon cuts and styles her hair.' Anyways, you're right, it's not just this one incident, it's one of hundreds in which a simple thing like scheduling a hair cut is too difficult to arrange and I get a late night phone call asking to solve the problem. If I have to solve these kinds of problems, it just seems like it's easier for me to keep her at home and do the runaround in a little more organized fashion. That way she gets what she needs and he can see her when there aren't other conflicts.

Ok, a few thoughts (of course)! 1-Does he have ...

2009-06-22T14:19:37.063-04:00

Ok, a few thoughts (of course)!

1-Does he have to have Grace for 4 consecutive weeks? Can't it be a week here, a week there. Then maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal for everyone.

2-I TOTALLY get your fear and concern for Grace's whereabouts and that that experience 4 years ago probably freaked you out. AND I don't know the guy, but it does seem like he is a rather irresponsible parent. AND I found it very funny that he would think to call YOU so late at night, about a haircut! That is strange.
-Ok, that all said, I also want to ask if it is possible that this small incident (yes, in the big scheme of things, this is small) is just overly pushing your buttons, and making you think all those bad things about him? Maybe his inability to plan for a haircut for his daughter is NOT a sign of his complete incompetence as a parent. It is just a hair cut, after all. I'm not saying one way or the other- I sure don't know. I am just saying MAYBE. Maybe just look at your own buttons...

3-Why are you going to take grace to the appt.!!!??? Why are you continuing to pick up the slack? If it pushes your buttons so much, then let him and Grace work it out. She might be disappointed, but it won't be the end of the world if Grace doesn't get her hair cut today. And in fact, it might force her and her father to figure it out together. And if her father cannot get it together, then Grace is learning something more about her dad. That he just might be that poor planner, and not so reliable. As if she wasn't learning that already. She might also learn how to be more responsible, herself.

As always, I say all this to challenge you, not to push your buttons more:)

just change the name to "homer" and you ...

2009-06-22T14:18:47.319-04:00

just change the name to "homer" and you have my ex...i talked to him a couple of days ago, to inform him of the eval results for our son, james...my wonderfully moronic ex tells me "i can't believe it is that bad and i need to talk to the guy because you are the ex and EVERYTHING you say MUST be taken with a grain of salt and if you ever get tired of being the parent to him, just bring him to me and i'll take care of him"....um, bring him to you? you can't even make time in your schedule to visit with him and you want ME to bring him to YOU so that you can prove me wrong and "be a better parent"??? apparently my ex can't read legal papers either..i have FULL discretion in regards to his contact with our children...legally, i get to say when and how and everything...if i don't want the kids to talk to him on the phone (and honestly sometimes i don't just because it causes more problems here than it's worth) i don't have to let them and the ONLY way he can do anything about that is to petition to change it, which he won't do because then he might actually be "expected" to do something!

"It's that ability to problem solve, or t...

2009-06-22T13:38:39.155-04:00

"It's that ability to problem solve, or the ability to see the plan that you are formulating is a poor one and you need to rethink the whole thing"

That is Jane to a T! As I'm sure you can relate from my latest post. If anything, I'm ever so glad that Grace has you to help show/teach her responsibility and how to work things over. When I first came into my living situation with the boys they weren't help accountable or responsible for anything. It's been a rocky path, but they're finally grasping it and realizing that their actions actually mean something.