A story of a boy torn between two worlds

It's that nine-year-old boy, Sean Goldman, who's living in Rio with his stepfather and his mother's family. His dead mother. I'm not sure whether this current event has caught the attention of others as much as it has ours here at my household. (For those of you who don't know, my husband is Brazilian and our younger daughter has dual citizenship.) If you don't know about the story, here's the latest on the story as reported by cnn.com.

I started thinking, what's my take on this? Do I go with the biological mother (who's now dead) and her family since I'm a biomom myself? I go with her because she's someone like me who braved the storm of being a single mother because her spouse was doing things she thought were bad for her child? Or do I take the side of the biodad, thinking that a biological parent should always have custody before a stepparent? But then it gets complicated, see, because I would want my husband, my oldest daughter's stepfather, to have some say-so in her life should (God-forbid) anything ever happen to me.

(Don't even tempt me for a second to go into the issues of international affairs between the US and Brazil because I will not go there.)

So. Lots of you out there have been a single mom. Or you're a biomom who's been remarried and have watched your spouse and your child have to navigate the treacherous waters of establishing their relationship. Or you're the stepparent to a child you care deeply for, and maybe your bio-counterpart isn't so happy to have you in the picture. I want to know what you think about this whole thing.

My deep hunch, from the beginning, is that this American father will regain sole physical and legal custody of his son, leave Brazil for the US immediately upon gaining that physical custody, and never travel south of the border again. So the kid loses the relationship he has with his now-deceased mother's family. And the stepfather will be left way out in the cold. Because legally...whether you're in the US or in Brazil or in China or wherever...stepparents don't have the right to step over the wishes of biological parents.

Think long and hard about it before you answer. As you can tell, I'm torn. If something happens to my ex-husband, I would never be obligated to explain my actions as a parent to anyone ever again. I could tell Grace's stepmother to kiss off and that would be the end of the story. The down side to this, of course, is that my ex-husband could legally do the same to Grace's stepfather in a similar circumstance. So I'm finding myself back to the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'm not sure how the Golden Rule applies in the case of Sean Goldman's parents.

As a last word, I'm going to check out the Brazilian news sources when I get a chance today. I'm curious to see how this whole story is being reported there. If I find out anything, I'll include more here. But until then, chew on this and give me your comments to chew on as well.

Back in the saddle again

Well, hm. Here I am. It's been awhile, hasn't it? My lengthy absence requires a few cursory notes and then I'll be on to the business at hand: blogging for the day.

Grace's foray into the world of blogging has been a trip for me, as it has been for all of you, I see! She is an honest and forthright person, with me and with the blogging community, so I think that makes her an exceptional writer within the venue. For instance, I told her she needed to moderate her comments and she did so by checking the site throughout the day. Then I asked her if she wanted to have comments forwarded to her email address so she wouldn't have to check the site so often. Her response? "Oh God, NO! I don't want all that mail in my inbox!" I'm guessing she doesn't want to friend any of you on facebook either. But you can always try....

And another thing about Grace. Try as I may, I cannot bring myself to call her Gracie outside of the context of our home. Yes, everyone calls her Gracie. EVERYONE. It's rather classy, I think. But I just can't call her Gracie in written form. So, she is Gracie, yes, but I as her mom will continue to call her Grace. You all out there can call her whatever you like.

Sunday is the second blogoversary of Comparative Childhood. That's something cool. I'm finding it kind of hard to believe that I've been doing this so long already. (Maybe that explains the almost 2 month leave of absence I'm just now coming off. Just an idea...) I'm going to have to talk to Grace about what we should do now that this is "OUR" blog.

Sunday is also the day we will be celebrating our family Christmas. Grace is leaving on Monday evening to visit with her father for the holidays. She's currently trying to negotiate an early return on December 30th so that she can host a New Year's Eve party at our house on the 31st. But that requires a bunch of teenagers to be at my house on New Year's Eve. And of course since it's New Year's Eve, they'll be around until midnight. And then later too, of course. And then there's the question: will their parents be willing to pick them up at 1 or 2a New Year's Day? Of course not. So we'll be having a sleepover? Oh lordy, yes, it seems like we may. However, neither Grace nor I have run this by her stepdad yet and gotten a green light...

But back to the point: family Christmas on Sunday. We'll be having honey glazed ham, because I'll be damned if I'm going to make ANOTHER turkey, and for three people, no less. Grace is convinced this will make our Christmas less than traditional. I feel like telling her to go get rifle, go out to the woods and shoot us a wild goose with some shot. Traditional, my foot. YOU'LL HAVE HAM AND YOU'LL LIKE IT.

More importantly, I'll be scheduling posts for the next couple days and probably relying upon Grace to moderate comments. Because (get ready)...

I'm having surgery tomorrow.

No really, I am.

I was in denial for awhile, there. I still am, actually. I'm still not fully grasping that I really am going back to the hospital to have my fourth surgery in 18 months. No matter, it will happen whether I'm accepting it or not. Something is going awry in my uterus. It looks like it's most likely "retained product of conception," as my doctor put it. And just so I can head you all off at the pass, no, "retained product of conception" does NOT refer to Stella. I've had some infection going on since she was born and after three rounds of antibiotics, it was clear that a little more investigation was in order. Whatever it is they can see on a scope doesn't appear to have any "depth" to it, so they assume it's a piece of membrane or placenta left over. Strange, I thought, since I had a cesarean (they usually do a pretty thorough job of 'getting it all out') and since the site of the muck is not anywhere close to the site of the placenta. But still, my surgeon hopes it comes out easily.

So there you go. I'll be at the hospital most of the day tomorrow. I'm having a spinal rather than general anesthesia, so hopefully this will lead to a shorter time in recovery before we come home. I've been pumping milk for Stella just in case I have get something in me during surgery that she can't have. And one more hopefully...hopefully I'll feel good enough to enjoy pizza and movie tomorrow night because did you hear that Domino's Pizza reworked their recipe and they are testing out the new kind in our region exclusively before launching it nationally?

Alright, then, now I seem to have gotten back on track. I'll put up some more lovely musings shortly. I have missed you all sorely. It's good to be back.

New Hair, Thanksgiving, and movies

I dyed my hair. It wasn't a dramatic change or anything. I only dyed it like 3 shades a darker brown. I have found 3 things. First, hair dye smells horrible. Second, it takes FOREVER!!! And lastly, people DO notice. I don't mind that people notice. I actually like it; it gives me attention. I know that sounded very conceded, but it's true.

I ran the 5K on Thanksgiving morning... correction I WALKED the 5K. My mom told me I was going to do it again this year. Correction, I gave up and was convinced into doing it.

Mom: Gracie are you planning on running the 5K this year?
Me: Mom.... I want to but I don't want to.
Mom: I don't understand.
Me: I want to go to the event, but I don't want to run in the race.
(ETC. Mom starts giving me a hard time about how my step dad and my Aunt
only did it cause I like to run; blah blah blah; making me feel all guilty and stuff.)
Me: Mom... I don't know if you noticed... but I don't enjoy running. It is not one of my
pleasures in my life. It's actually one of my down points.
Mom: But, I thought you like to run?
Me: No mom, I like to do short sprints NOT long distance. That's why in track I did
nothing more than a 400m.
Mom: Gracie, I think you will do better, because you are much more fit this year.
Me: Mom, swimming is COMPLETELY different from running. Plus, I think am
traumatized from last year's run.
Mom: (laughs) Why?
Me: I mean, we got lost looking for it. I had to wake up at like 5am on a holiday. It
started to snow and my step dad and Aunt left me. By the end of the race I was
cold, tired, hungry, and wet.
Mom: Oh... well then I guess we won't do the event. And, I would rather NOT do that
again.
(I started to tell her how I want to go but I don't do run it. She told me to go call
my Aunt. 30 minutes later)
Me: Mom? I have decided to do the 5K. Aunt Wendy said she would walk with me.
.....My mom always gets her way.


Great one liners of the week:
Me: I think I'm going to grow my hair out again
Mom: I think you're hair looks so much better now that it's short than it did when you had it long
Me: I know, but now I'm realizing that there is so much more that I could have done with my hair than what I did.
Mom: Like what?
Me: Like, I could brush it every day.

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[while discussing an essay I had written about the contrasts between the novel Of Mice and Men and the movie made]

Mom: What sorts of things did you note?
Me: Well, Curley's wife is different. In the book, she's more of a slut, but in the movie she's not.
Mom: I hope you didn't use the word "slut."
Me: I did, but it's ok. My teacher understands. Besides, there's really no other way to say she's a slut than by using the word "slut."


I saw NEW MOON!!!! I'm so obsessed that I have been waiting for it for over a year. I have to say that I like the second film better than Twilight. I think New Moon stuck more to the book. I'm still Team Edward though. ;)

Defying ethnic boundaries

Back when Stella was three weeks old, we had a photography session with a local photographer, Lorissa Farr. She posted a couple of the best ones to her blog. We ordered some too. One of our favorites is this:


In this image, Lorissa perfectly captured one of our favorite of Stella's features that make her unique: the birthmark on her lower back. It's not unusual, a patch of skin on her lower back that appears darker than the rest of her skin. When she was born, we thought it was a bruise and asked the pediatrician about it. She assured us it was perfectly normal. It's called a mongolian spot and it is most commonly found in children of black or latin descent. Check, Stella is both of those via her father's heritage. Perfectly normal.

At the same time, we asked the pediatrician about another mark on the back of her neck that we had noticed and were concerned about. Here's a picture of that:


The pediatrician explained, it's another birthmark, called a stork bite. Nothing to worry about. It is most common in babies of caucasian descent. Check, Stella is of caucasian decent via me. Nothing to worry about.

Stella's diverse ethnic heritage is nothing unusual; I'd guess from all the families and children I've interacted with since Grace was born that most kids in this younger generation have the benefit of a rich genetic background. Yet, apparently there are still people in our society who don't understand it, don't accept it, and don't want to see it at all.

A few weeks ago we watched Rabbit-Proof Fence together as a family. It is the true story of three girls in Australia in the 1930s. You can watch the trailer here. The three girls are forcibly removed from their mothers, Aborigine, because they are biracial -- their fathers are white. Though it's rated PG, it's not exactly a movie for children unless they are mature enough to deal with difficult topics. For instance, until 1970, Australia still had a law on the books that "half-caste" children, the children who are biracially white and aborigine, are substandard. For that matter, aborigines are substandard humans. At one point in the film, I was so appalled I spit out, "what the fuck!" I was glad that Grace was old enough to understand my righteous anger. How could a government do something so awful, so unthinkable, so hateful and evil? I believe Kenneth Branagh's character in Rabbit-Proof Fence puts it most succinctly: "Are we to allow the creation of an unwanted race?" An industrialized, 20th century government did it because those in power believed children of interracial couples were substandard and should not exist.

Lest we think for a moment that this is barbarian and behind those of us in the US and in our distant past, the gross and despicable reality of the present hits us right between the eyes. Enter Keith Bardwell, a justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, Louisiana. On Friday, the story hit national news media outlets: Judge Bardwell refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple. He explained his action by saying that such marriages do not stand the test of time and that children of such a couple would suffer due to not fitting into either culture. He maintains that he is not a racist for making such a decision, that he issues marriage licenses to black couples all the time. And he said, "It's kind of hard to apologize for something that you really and truly feel down in your heart you haven't done wrong." WHAT??!?!?!?!?? I react to this with the same righteous outrage that I did to the content of Rabbit-Proof Fence. But I must be explicitly clear about how outrageous this situation is. The judge does not approve of the marriage because he feels that the children of such a marriage would suffer due to their very existence and lack of identity with the culture of either parent. In short, multiethnic children are a problem. We as a society should do everything we can to prevent their existence in the first place. If they come to exist, we'll have a horrible problem on our hands.

I'm getting to the point where I believe that people in the world who suffer the worst racial discrimination are those who are multiethnic. Contrary to this, I have a rather different viewpoint. Rather than being a hindrance, I believe having a diverse heritage actually gives one an advantage in understanding the world and coping with its various social problems. Having the benefit of more than one vantage points enables a person to realize that the world is not black and white (no pun intended).

I guess these ideas of mine shouldn't come as a surprise since I am part of a multiethnic, bi-national family. But I'd be dishonest if I led you to believe that I came to this perspective without any influence. I heard a piece on NPR's Talk of the Nation a few weeks ago about a new production of Shakespeare's Othello, produced for stage in Washington, DC. and directed by Peter Sellars (no, not the one who died more than 20 years ago, a different one by the same name). In his interview with Neal Conan, Sellars addresses the obvious talking point of Othello, that being the ethnic identity of the title character. He's a Moor, traditionally portrayed by an actor of African or Arabic descent. "Moor" does not refer to any specific ethnic group, but rather someone who is dark-skinned and from the Iberian Peninsula. In other words, someone who is likely of mixed race. He is a successful and liked military leader. The poignancy of putting on this production to Washington, DC now is directly connected to Barack Obama and Justice Sonia Sotomayor. Whatever you think of the president's work so far, it is worth considering in what ways his heritage enables him to be a good leader, or at least, in what ways he is able to lead differently than all of his predecessors. Sellars addresses this point directly in the interview, at about 10:22:

We live in the age of Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. You know, what box are you gonna check? You know, the fact is, we're all more than one box. None of us fit into those boxes anymore.

It's that last line that got me. None of us fit into those boxes anymore. How many of us can neatly fit ourselves into a racial demographic? How about our children? I remember that when Grace was a little girl we went to American Girl Place in Chicago. We both looked to see if we could find a Just Like You girl that looked like each of us. Neither of us succeeded. Apparently American Girl still thought that blue eyes only go with blond hair and green eyes only go with light skin. We had difficulty fitting into an American Girl "box" despite the fact that both of us check off the box "caucasian, not hispanic." Stella doesn't check off one box on those surveys, so what luck does she have finding an American Girl that is Just Like Her?

If you find yourself recoiling at the suggestion that the "boxes" in demographic surveys are going the way of the buffalo, why is that? Is it the idea that our comfort zones are dissolving? If we can't presuppose things about people based on their appearance, maybe that makes us feel unsure and a little nervous. We might have to let go of our assumptions, the ones that make us feel knowledgeable and informed. Not all Spanish speakers are immigrants. Not all immigrants are poor and/or stupid. Not all blacks like rap. Nor do they all speak the same dialect of English. Not all whites like camping and corn bread. Nor Eddie Bauer. Need I go on?

As I have been thinking about Grace's friends throughout her childhood, I am struck by how few of them can clearly identify with one and only one ethnic group. This generation of children is, by their very DNA, more ethnically diverse. In a world that is quickly shrinking, a world in which it is an advantage to be not just tolerant of differences, but appreciative and enthusiastic, it seems that these kids undoubtedly are able to understand that world better.

Instead of focusing our energies of making lines and dividing up people into discrete groups that supposedly matter, wouldn't it be more fruitful to think of ourselves as citizens of the earth? Members of the human race? We have more in common with people once we stop and focus on the similarities rather than the differences. I, for one, am tired of the labels.

More about me than you ever wanted to know

Right after Stella was born, Heather of Cool Zebras sent me and some other bloggers in the Midwest an email. She was curious to find out if the collective blog Midwest Parents (which Heather created) could be reinvented, rebooted, revived in a sense. She wanted to know who was in.

I thought about it long and hard. If I committed, I was really committing. How much extra time did I have? And there was a new baby...

She sent out details on how the blog was going to be reorganized. I'll admit, I was intimidated. Each contributor would have a week of their own, five straight days of blogging. And not just blogging anything, there were daily themes. Like, I'd have to come up with something for "Foodie Friday" and I'd have to write up something about my personal reading.

But I'll also admit, it looked pretty cool. The stuff Heather* wanted to include in the new and improved Midwest Parents was stuff I don't do here. I don't do Wordless Wednesday or give parenting tips. Here...well, here I mostly lament. More importantly, I was not only intrigued by how this would stretch myself as a blogger, I was interested to see what the other contributors would dish up for me to chew on. Eager to be part of a renewed project, I decided to jump in.

The re-launch of Midwest Parents officially began last Friday when Heather introduced herself to the readers of Midwest Parents. Since then, the contributors have been posting their own introduction each day. And today? Who posted their introduction today? Why, me, of course! So check it out, ok? And check back every single weekday for something new at Midwest Parents!

* When I was a kid, there were always a ton of other girls with my name. Now? Now we're all bloggers, apparently. Evidence? The ones I can think of off the the top of my head are this woman, this woman, Heather at Cool Zebras and me. Lemme know if you know of others (or if you're a Heather too!). I think I'm gonna have to do a genuine Heathers post one of these days. Because despite being Heather, I was so much of a Veronica.

Stepfamily Day

This past Sunday afternoon our stepfamily had dinner with another stepfamily-in-the-making. Actually, that's simplifying the situation. Let me explain.

My friend Frieda has three children. When Frieda and I met, we were both married to our first husbands, the father of our respective children. Since we met, I have been divorced and remarried and she has gotten divorced and is now engaged. We are both in a much better place today than we were then.

Frieda's fiance, Henry, has two children of his own, a son in high school and a daughter who finished her first bachelor's degree a few years ago. Actually, his daughter is his stepdaughter, the daughter of a woman he is no longer married to. Henry and his daughter were there at dinner on Sunday. He told me while we were grilling meat for dinner that it was about 20 years ago he met his first wife and wonderful daughter. I would have never guessed the details of their familial relationship if he had not been forthcoming with them. She responded to him like any daughter would respond to her father.

It wasn't until I got home that I started thinking about the complexities of all the relationships present. Freida's kids interact happily with Henry's stepdaughter. When Frieda and Henry do get married, what is the relationship of these stepchildren of Henry? I don't even know. Are stepchildren from two different marriages related? Does it matter given that they all interact with one another as family?

Many times I look at my stepfamily and I think things look complicated. My older daughter Grace has to divide her time between our family and the stepfamily her father built. I suspect she has her share of tense moments since few members in either family behave suitably in this circumstance. As far as my husband, the stepparent in our family, goes, he faced how to build a relationship with a girl from a country that he had no childhood experience in. He had no idea what American girls are like and what they do when he met her. The whole thing has been an involved process to say the least.

But we are as simple of a stepfamily as you can get. One stepparent, one child, and these two connected by the biological parent. Now we have one more member, the half-sibling of the first child. My friend Frieda has a more complex stepfamily involving not just her children, but her fiance's biological child and his stepchild from his first marriage. And yet, this doesn't make the two families better or worse than each other or any other family. What matters is the family members and how they treat each other.

I've been very hesitant to say what I'm about to say, but since it's Stepfamily Day, I'll go for it: A stepfamily is at least as good as an intact family. See, stepfamilies get a bad rap. People who have experience only in intact families don't hesitate to say that intact families are better than any other family structure. Some people in the media go so far as to say single mothers and stepfamilies are flawed and are to be blamed for many of the ills of our society. But I've never heard anyone in a stepfamily be so bold as to say that a stepfamily is better than an intact family. I think it's time for those of us in stepfamilies to stop acting like it's a flawed structure and stand up to say what a great thing it is.

I don't know what the statistics are as to how many families today are traditional intact families versus stepfamilies. I don't even know how one could reliably calculate such a number. I'm not sure it matters. What does matter is that for people like those in my stepfamily, our family is the best one we have been in. That includes intact families we have each been in. So I am grateful to say, we are and always will be a stepfamily. Thank goodness for it.

Just a random question...

Did you like George Peppard better as Hannibal in the A-Team...


...or as "dah-ling" Fred/Paul in Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Talk about two sides of the same man.

Me, as described by my teenage daughter

A few months ago, a friend of mine on facebook tagged me on a question series for moms. I have grown a little weary of reading these things by other people and I am far too private to consider actually doing them myself. But this one looked like fun. Since Grace went along with the whole thing gleefully, I'm posting it here for fun.

The idea behind this thing is that you ask your child a bunch of questions about you, their mom, and they get to supply the answers unedited. I think the original intent of this thing was to get cutesy answers from preschoolers. You know, like asking how old your mom is or how tall she is? When I got it, I couldn't help but get Grace to answer it. I thought the perspective of a teenager would give the set of questions a new life. I was happy to tag all my friends who also had teenagers in the house. The result was that the early childhood cutesiness and love of mom was warped into something a little twisted, but still full of love for mom. Also, I love that Grace and I did this whole thing through messaging on facebook. Seriously, we never spoke a word about it to each other in person until the text was posted.

I give it to you all for fun. If you want to try it yourself (and haven't done this yet), just ask your kid the questions and write them down exactly how they respond. Grace told me I could put it up on facebook, so long as I did NOT change her answers. Too funny.

Without further ado, here it is as originally published.

-------------------

by Grace, 181 months (heh, heh. I love that I'm still saying how many months old she is)

1. What is something mom always says to you?
"What's your goal Grace?"

2. What makes mom happy?
Chocolate, a happy house

3. What makes mom sad?
bad grades

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
i dunno... i'm just a laughable person XD

5. What was your mom like as a child?
smart... she still is smart

6. How old is your mom?
37

7. How tall is your mom?
5 something

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
read, facebook, be with family and friends

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
work... the usual

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
being fabulous!!!!!

11. What is your mom really good at?
being a mom!!!!!

12. What is your mom not very good at?
singing

13. What does your mom do for her job?
she's a linguist

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
chocolate!!!!!!

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
she's MY mom

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
i dunno, i don't think as my mom as a cartoon type.

17. What do you and your mom do together?
watch movies

18. How are you and your mom alike?
we both play musical instruments.

19. How are you and your mom different?
she's heather, i'm grace... enough said

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
she says "I LOVE YOU." it's pretty self-explanatory
(I have to interject here, I wish you could hear her say this. The capital letters and the period are intended to convey a tone of sarcasm, as in, 'duh, what a stupid question!')

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
she likes to travel in general.

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Back to my reformation

For Lent this year I gave up judging Christianity on the basis of the behavior of Christians, and on trying to define myself spiritually relative to my experiences with my family. Lent is over, so I suppose I could go right back to my old behaviors. But I think the point of these "sacrifices of the flesh" is to grow spiritually as an individual, thus to indulge after Lent was over seemed out of place.

This week, however, has been a hard one. The world seems to be full of Christians behaving badly, and being quite confrontational while doing so. I've been thinking all week about whether to write about this stuff. I just didn't want to react; I wanted to inspect my own self in light of these headlines and see where I was in my own growth.

The leading headlines that are relevant to the topic at hand:

• Miss California, Carrie Prejean, after boldly speaking out against same-sex marriage during the interview portion of the Miss USA pageant, becomes a spokesperson for the National Organization for Marriage. Only days later it is revealed that she posed semi-nude as a teenager for a modeling photo shoot.
• President Obama chooses to recognize National Day of Prayer in United States and has his press secretary to announce the recognition in a press conference, acknowledging that the president begins each day in private worship. The stark contrast of this private recognition of the role of prayer in one's personal life to the spectacular and very public way that President Bush recognized the day during the previous eight years drew great criticism from conservative Christians and conservative Christian groups.
• Bristol Palin, the teen mother of her own 5-month old son and daughter of the governor of Alaska and former Vice Presidential-hopeful Sarah Palin, gave a series of interviews and made several appearances as the teen ambassador for the Candie's Foundation which works towards the goal of lowering the incidence of teen pregnancy in the United States. Her peers note the discrepancy and relative hypocrisy in her message, as well of contradictions in her statements at various times during the last few months. Some even say she is just a tool of her mother, spitting out rehearsed lines that comport with her mother's political agenda of abstinence-only education.

It's likely that at least one of these issues has sparked some thoughts in your mind in the last few days. Clearly by listing them all here, I've been unable to ignore any of them. But what do they have in common in my thoughts? Why bring them all together here? What does a beauty queen campaigning against gay marriage have to do with a president praying in private or with a teen mother preaching abstinence? They all have to do with the politics of religion and social issues associated with conservative religion. For me, it is difficult to ignore these things because it brings up many things I dislike about religion.

Still, there's the Lenten deprivation, a sacrifice that I would like to keep up. I'm trying very hard to separate the sin from the sinner. I would like to look at God without God being damaged by the actions I see done by those who claim to follow him.

But I'll say this about all this stuff in the media. It's hit home with me. I don't like the way things are painted as black and white in the world, right and wrong, and anything that criticizes what is wrong must be right.

I see Carrie Prejean and I see someone who is opportunistic, and right now opportunity is being a conservative Christian beauty queen. I don't see depth of conviction, no matter what that conviction is. This isn't right at all. But because she said she thought marriage should be between a man and a woman only, she is considered to be a devout and righteous person, one who is heralded as a hero, a champion, a woman of deep principles.

I see critics of the president as foolishly grasping to his actions this week as being anti-Christian and anti-prayer. Quite on the contrary, his actions are completely in line with the teaching of Jesus Christ. Consider Matthew 6:5-8, the passage that immediately precedes the text commonly known as The Lord's Prayer."

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

Seems to me that President Obama's predecessor, the one being heralded by conservative right Christians right now, was, in the words of Christ, "babbling like a pagan." So no matter how much you want to say negatively about President Obama, if you are a Christian and you want to judge him on his practice and upholding of the faith, you have to applaud him this week.

As for Bristol Palin, I feel so much pain watching this girl. I see her and hear her and I believe that she doesn't understand the words that have been fed to her to parrot back to the public. I wish she could take some time to examine her own thoughts and ideas, that she could reflect on everything that's happened so far in her life. Once she's gotten a chance to do that, then she can begin to form her own genuine values, not the ones she inherited from her parents and her parents' political stances. It may be that she comes to the conclusion that abstinence only education really is the best choice and only foolproof choice in preventing teen pregnancy. But when she comes to that conclusion on her own, it will be apparent from her ability to logically argue for it in public and not contradict herself.

I want to hear the calm voice of a conservative Christian who realizes the truth of these three situations. It's not that Christian values are under attack this week, or that we are witnessing innocents become victims of the vicious words delivered by sinful, selfish liberals, or that the leader of the country is a wolf in sheep's clothing, pulling the rug right out from under the feet of those who herald the moral compass of this country. No, not at all. It's that people are jumping on whatever the latest sensational headline is, listening to a sound bite, and attacking without ever really thinking about the deep truth of the entire situation.

What would you do if you were Kate?

I just saw this clip online.



Did anyone else see this coming a mile away? Sorry to be so jaded, but the relationship between Jon and Kate Gosselin as shown on their show seemed way too off to be ok.

Texas

I lived in Texas for 9 years. I'm not a native Texan. I came to "God's Chosen Land" as an 18-year-old freshman to Baylor University in Waco. I had no idea what Texas was really all about before that. Nine years later I left and moved to Michigan, a state I had never been to before.

I know I would have never fit in Texas. I came, I saw, I left. The native Texans have got something they love. Some people go there and love it and stay forever. And then there's people like me -- people who go there and realize it's not quite right for them and leave quietly so as not to offend all those who are around them. Amidst all the slogans that go around about Texas (like "Don't Mess With Texas"), it seems like I recall one that was something like "Love it or leave it." Or is that United States? I can't remember. But that's kind of how I took Texas in -- people really, really love that place. But I didn't. So I left.

Given all this background, and given that I know some of my bloggy friends and readers are in Texas, I approach the next topic with light, careful steps and slight trepidation.

What's up with all the secession talk? I thought it was a weird blip on the radar on tax day when Governor Perry mentioned it at the Tea Party in Austin. I thought it was just a misunderstanding, what with him saying that Texas should secede and all. But then I read this piece today at NPR's website. Talk about vehement. It sounds like this was written by a poor soul who once upon a time was forced to live in Texas, ridiculed during the entire stay, and ultimately fled over the border to safety with only the clothes on his back and his life.

The friends I have from Texas are sort of on the down low about this. One friend, who lives in Germany now, started a comment thread on his facebook page that got over 30 comments in the first day. I couldn't tell whether Texans were happy about this or not.

Like I said, I never fit in. So if I was living in Texas right now and I really thought the state would secede from the Union, I would start packing up my things quietly and shipping them northward in a clandestine manner and then when the time was right, slip out like the von Trapp family over the border to Oklahoma, towards Missouri. It's not that I don't love the Texans; it's just that I always found this secession talk a little, well, irrational. It was usually littered with hoots and hollers and "YEAH!!!"s by men holding cans of beers.

But there's another side of Texas, I'm sure. So...what's up? Is the governor serious? Is his constituency? What is going on? (I know Texas is the only state in the Union that is currently experiencing economic growth, so I could see where it might be difficult for some to understand the perspective of the rest of the country.)

One more try at bringing awareness to discrimination

How much do you spend at amazon.com every year? A lot? I know I do. I spend a whole heck of a lot of money there. It's things I would buy elsewhere, but because I can find it at amazon for less money, a lot of times they get my money. This goes for everything from my daughter's books for gifts (4 so far this year) to mp3 downloads (over 100 so far this year). And I'm an academic. I've got a truckload of local bookstores I could buy from, and I buy a lot of books every year. I most recently bought a copy of the Twilight DVD for Grace from Amazon.

Check this out: Amazon is making books and media with any positive reference to gay or lesbian content, or those written by known gay or lesbian authors, invisible to searches and sales rank status. You can read a nice short synopsis of the issue here, and read Mark Probst's post about the issue on his blog here. In short, if you do a search at Amazon.com for anything about gays or lesbians, you won't find anything positive, only anti-gay propaganda.

Who cares, really? I mean, what difference does it make? It makes a huge difference. From everything to depriving authors of sales to limiting information available to the public, it makes a big difference.

Amazon.com has the right to do it. They have to right to limit their inventory, bar consumers from seeing certain things, and to classify gay and lesbian literature as "adult material." This includes things like a book by Ellen Degeneres, regardless of what the central topic of the book is.

But you have a right to know. And you have the right to choose whether you will continue to shop there. At least let your voice be heard if you find this unacceptable. Do something. If you sit back and do nothing, you are saying that this kind of discrimination is ok.

Our children, or more specifically, our daughters

I found this article about young girls and awareness of their beauty at Newsweek.com yesterday. Yawn. The idea that girls are getting sucked into beauty treatments and being sexy and generally becoming obsessed with their appearance is nothing new. Heck, Club Libby Lu opened their first store almost a decade ago and the whole enterprise has already gone kaput as of this January. But don't you be fooled; this isn't a sign that girls don't want this kind of product and service. Another aspiring capitalist will swoop in to sweep up this market and fill the voided niche just as soon as this recession is over. It might even be Club Libby Lu reinvented by its parent company, Saks Incorporated.

We found out on Monday that we're adding another girl to our family. Of course, this is great. We know how to do girls. Our family is overrun with girls. Boys are not worse, just different, and we have no experience. But the news brings to my mind all the things you have to worry about with girls.

This morning when Grace walked out the front door for the bus, I walked to my bedroom window and watched her cross the lawn. There's so much inside of her, so much history, yet in that moment of her crossing the lawn with her backpack on the way to school, all you see is another typical teen. And I said out loud, "I wonder if I'll worry about this new baby girl as much as I worry about Grace." That about sums it up. Though I've never parented a boy, and though I have no practical idea how that would be different than parenting a girl, I know that with a girl my mind works overtime on all the influences about her.

The Newsweek article brought up one thing that makes me crazy. Tons on ink is spilled on the topic of the oversexualization of girls. Somewhere in each story is a line about how girls are growing up too fast. Yet my mind wanders to another place when I read these diatribes. When do we talk about girls and women as perhaps never being "old enough" for this much emphasis on appearance? So...rearing young girls in a way that makes them grow up too fast is the main issue? That we don't want girls to do these kinds of things until they are older? And when do the tiny women-to-be get time to go to the science museum and find out about law and debate and discover the value of investing and compound interest? Try never. That's what's missing from this story. It endorses the idea that excessive attention to appearance in the female gender is fine, the problem is really that the girls are too young. So smack that to your boys. The next time they talk about entering the science fair in 4th grade or going camping when they're 6 or learning how to shoot a gun or helping out with the oil change or trying to solve a hard logic problem, tell them that they shouldn't do it because they're growing up too fast. They should stick to action figures and tag until they're at least ten.

My husband's consistent comment regarding his soon-to-be-born daughter is, "this girl never wears pink." He even told Grace. Grace laughed. I told him I had no idea where it starts. With Grace, I was like every good-intentioned mother -- pink was just another color of the rainbow. The nursery was blue and yellow, and she was just as likely to be seen in jeans and a white t-shirt as she was in a pink outfit. But somewhere in childhood, the obsession with pink began. By the time she was 10 or 11, she owned tons of pink clothing. Her room now is BRIGHT PINK. Yeah, there's some orange and yellow and red mixed in, but make no mistake about it, her room is PINK. Since she was the one requesting these things, I let her do it. After all, what is worse for a girl's sense of empowerment, her love and desire for the color pink or her mother telling her that she can't make her own decisions?

When I was with family over Christmas holiday, my nieces and nephews were all watching WALL-E. When Eve first enters the story, my youngest nephew (5 years old) started explaining to me how WALL-E is starting to fall in love with her. I asked him (innocently enough), how do you know that WALL-E is a boy and this other robot is a girl? At first he said they sounded like a boy and a girl. I told them I didn't think so, they just sounded like robots to me. Then he explained that it becomes clear later in the movie. I left it at that. A little while later I asked the grown-ups the same question -- how do the children know that WALL-E is a boy and Eve is a girl? There were a few theories. Eve looks like an egg. (And 5-year-olds pick up on this gender-specific referent?) Eve is smooth, shiny, and clean, and WALL-E is rough and dirty. (Interesting gender-specific assignment of personality traits, there.) Then I noted that Eve was a pretty powerful little beast, basically spending her first few minutes on camera blowing up things and whizzing around. No comments. (Apparently those are not traits associated with girls.)

So whether you like it not, kids get messages about who they should be based on their gender. You can try to block it. Unplug the tv, monitor the clothing, watch the way people address kids and the talk they hear, read the right books, note the inconsistent messages, and on and on it goes. But sooner or later kids notice the world around them.

In light of this, I wonder how I can do anything more other than hope that my children's minds can think outside of the traditional gender role assignment box.

Catching up on some open folders in my inbox

Let's see here, where were we? I left off last Friday saying that we were headed to the DVD premiere party of Twilight at a local bookstore. How was that party, then? Well, it certainly proved to be fodder for photography, though the events scheduled were a bit, ah, how shall we say? Ah yes, lame. A couple of sales girls from the store led the happenings by reading out various trivia questions about the movie to a group of fans about 40 strong. The attendees were mostly teens, some trying to look cool because they were out alone late at the bookstore alone, others trying to look cool despite being there with their parents. There were also a few adults who seemed to know all the right answers to the questions. Not me.

Grace was happy enough. She had $11 dollars, enough to buy exactly nothing. There was an Edward Cullen action figure for $20 -- I don't think so. Maybe that was marketed to the adults who knew all the answers to the trivia questions. What do you do with an Edward Cullen action figure anyway?

Despite the rather flat entertainment, there were some payoffs after about an hour. Grace got a free advertising poster for the motion picture soundtrack, which she promptly posted to her bedroom wall the next morning:


And my husband, a fluent French speaker, found something fun to read:


No, I'm not worried that he's getting ready to pick up women in a language I don't speak. We actually loved reading it because we're nerdy linguists and we love to read about how to make language learning more enticing, especially in the US. The book's called Hide This French Book (Berlitz, retail $9.95) and it's full of all the stuff they never teach in language class but that you really, really need to learn if you intend to survive in somewhere that the language is used. Like how to really order drinks and talk about sex (both actively and passively) and gossip and more. After enjoying it for about 30 minutes, we decided Grace didn't need it for her French studies quite yet and $10 was way too much for this kind of information anyway.

Just before midnight rolled around, when all the other fans lined up to buy their DVDs, we decided to go home, smiling because we knew our copy of the DVD had already shipped and we had paid $15 less than we would have at said local bookstore. I know, it's sad; we're taking the sale away from a local bookstore and giving it to a big warehouse dot-com like Amazon. But $15 is still $15, and we figure local businesses, while we strive to given them our business whenever possible, have to be able to compete while not breaking the pocketbooks of local patrons. Alas.

On to other issues. If you'll recall, a month ago the furnace was acting up. We called and had it repaired. But that really didn't quite address the bigger issue: our bedroom that is freezing cold that we still haven't moved into. As it turned out, the repair that the furnace needed was covered under our home warranty, so the money we saved in that slight inconvenience is now being applied to the purchase and installation of a new furnace. The work was completed yesterday. Thank goodness. Now that winter is over, we may have a furnace that works properly and doesn't cost an arm and a leg to operate. The furnace salesman/installation specialist swears that we'll see our winter power bills drop by 20%. I sure hope so.

A much more enjoyable and superfluous detail that I left open-ended was what Grace would decide as far as cutting her hair. As of Friday night, she was still going with the trusty ponytail, full as it ever was:


By Saturday morning, she was ready. She asked for me to make her an appointment. She said she wanted it short, and could we also have it dyed a dark brown color?

A. Ha. I laughed. Could she have it dyed dark brown. Her hair is dark brown, she just couldn't tell anymore because it's so damaged and bleached out. I assured her that if she cut it short, it would be dark brown.

And so we made the appointment and she excitedly found two pictures online that captured the look she wanted. Pixie cut. Really, really short pixie cut. I wasn't sure she would really go through with it or that she would be happy with it when it was finished. Nonetheless...


...off came half of it in the first snip. The stylist held the fistful of hair in her hand and showed it to Grace. Then Grace took it from her. Her eyes opened like saucers sitting there looking at the massive tresses and feeling the weight in her hand and no longer on her head. And then she smiled and started laughing. She threw the wad to the floor and the stylist went on from there.


You can't tell from the picture, but the toes inside those Converses were wriggling with excitement the whole time.

I gotta say, it looks so cute and so good. We went shopping for about an hour afterward and she just kept saying, I look so mature! I look so stylish! I look so fun!

I guess I'm not such a bad role model for hair care as I thought afterall. And yes, she was relieved to discover that her hair is still dark brown.

Lastly, while downloading pictures off Grace's camera for this post, I found all the other pictures she had taken lately. I wish I could entice you with something spicy, but alas, my daughter appears to be rather well behaved. She did take several pictures of this, though:


It's the Bach Prelude she's in the last stages of working on now. It's getting better and better each day, and bringing joy to my heart each down it springs forth. Kind of like Grace.

Wait 'til Twilight together

TONIGHT, starting at 10p, we are partying 'til midnight at a local bookstore downtown. I should perhaps clarify, we will party at least until midnight. Because it is not until midnight that the DVD of Twilight is officially released for sale.

Despite my previous report of not really being that much into vampire lore, I am thinking it's an innocent enough thing to do. Grace is really, really excited. As is my husband. So there you go. I'm going to be getting a decaf latte in the bookstore coffee shop and reading the Easter issue of Martha Stewart Living while the establishment does its best to spook out all the vampire fans and stoke the fires for high sales. We already advance-ordered the DVD from Amazon for $17.99 instead of succumbing to the powers against our will to delay gratification that will try and persuade us that we should pay upwards to $32.99 at midnight tonight. So we're really going for the hype, not the purchase. Go figure.

I've never done anything like this before. I've never queued for the premiere of a movie or slept outside all night for concert tickets. Yet somehow going to a DVD release party at a bookstore doesn't seem so bad.

Unless the coffee runs out or the barista is pissy. In which case I may get very cranky very quickly.

Saturday night we are all going out together to hear the city symphony orchestra's March concert. Now THAT I'll enjoy.

Thank goodness the two events aren't on the SAME night. That would be awful.

Another unlikely commonality

Way back when on National Stepfamily Day I wrote about how Grace and my husband have some weird things in common. They are very different people, but yet they have things they both like. A lot. Things that I don't have any interest in.

Enter in something I have never really been fascinated with: vampire lore.

Yes, I've read Bram Stoker's Dracula. And several of the Anne Rice vampire novels. And I saw the movies made of both Dracula (with Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, and Keanu Reeves) and Interview (with Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and itsy bitsy Kirsten Dunst - *shiver*). And I also watched Lost Boys when I was a teenager. And Buffy, the original movie and the tv show. So it's not like I haven't had my share of exposure to the genre.

I like sci-fi of other genres, like Star Trek and Star Wars, Stargate*, Quantum Leap, Buck Rogers, and the best, Battlestar Galactica. That Dirk Benedict, man, he was awesome. So it's not that I just don't get plot lines that require imagining a world very different than the real one.

But vampires. You know what it is that keeps me from just staying completely obsessed with it? Eventually I just start thinking it's all about sex and the plot can't really hold my interest for the long term.

Not so for many, many people around me. MANY of them love this stuff. One of my best friends from high school. My college roommate. As it turns out, my husband. And now? My daughter.

She's reading the novels in the Twilight series. Yeah, I know, so is every other teen in the country. But she's really into it now. She's gone way beyond the girly affection for Robert Pattinson; now she's up to the third novel. My husband doesn't have enough time to read the books and the movies are far too sensationalized for him to pay money for. Still, he wants to know the plot. And so he's taken to running every single errand with her and giving her a ride every time she needs one. So he can ask her about the plot. She's happy to oblige, giving him a detailed summary of whatever she read in the last 24 hours. So he gets his vampire fix, she gets a willing audience to listen to her obsession, and they both get quality time together.

Weird. If you had asked me what a teenage girl and her stepfather who's a linguistics professor would bond on, I wouldn't have guessed vampires. But there you go.

photography by Grace

* By the way, whenever I mention Stargate, there's something important I always have to point out. In the film, one guy gets some action during the entire plot. Only one. Not a marine, not a brawny guy. Who is he? Why, a PhD, a professor, and most importantly, a linguist. I love that.

Philadelphia

Last Friday afternoon, Grace came home right after school and our chore for the afternoon before her father came to pick her up for the weekend was to pack up the Christmas decorations that had all made it to the den. I was, quite frankly, feeling like shee-ite, lounged on one of love seats in front of the tv. Since I wasn't helping with the packing at all, which was NOT part of the deal, Grace agreed to pack away the ornaments as long as she got to snack too (a big no-no in the den). While we were packing, we watched the film Philadelphia on tv. She'd never seen it before, and I thought she might like it since it was nominated for several Oscars and won two. We tuned in when Denzel Washington is examining one of his witnesses, a black woman who worked at the law firm being sued. This is the start of the court case. During the scene where Tom Hanks character and his partner are hosting a gay costume party and Denzel's Washington's character and his wife attend, Grace perked up and started paying attention.

This sequence of two or three scenes is perhaps the most moving bits of the film. I think the scene that Tom Hanks is listening to and translating "La mamma morta" from the opera Andrea Chénier was what was shown at the Academy Awards when they were announcing the nominees for the award of best actor. It is one of those scenes that I watch, and then without even realizing it is happening, the events of the scene hit me emotionally so deeply that I cannot help but begin crying.

Grace and I watched the scene together. Many times I encourage her to take in things like this to try and understand how one piece of art (the song in the opera) is used to enhance another piece of art (the plot of the film) and give it a deeper meaning. As we watched it, she asked what it meant, and I said that my best guess was that love is something that brings us such joy, but because true love is so precious, it often bring us deep pain. We talked about the way in which the narrative of the opera -- a daughter lamenting the death of her mother -- was being related to the the narrative of the film -- a gay man lamenting his own impending death in light of all that he loved about life. It brought to light that someone who was gay was not different from others. The emotions that we feel as humans are universal and transcend race, creed, national identity, age, and gender, as well as sexual preference.

The scene ends on an awkward note. The lighting returns to normal and we see Denzel Washington in solemn silence, unsure of how to react. He shuffles his papers together and while putting them into his briefcase explains that it's late and they should call it a night.

Grace asked me, "why is he so nervous?"

Wow. 16 years have passed since this movie was released. She watched the previous 15 minutes of the film: the oddity of Denzel Washington and his character's wife attending a gay party; the physical distance exercised between the two main characters; the way in which Denzel Washington bluntly told Tom Hanks that he was raised to think of gays as freaks and that he still thinks that way. Yet through all of this, she couldn't put herself back into a world in which being gay was dangerous. Just the idea that the film was made, released, watched, and awarded, was of enormous controversy outside of Hollywood. But Grace didn't live through this. She lived in a world post-Philadelphia. She was born a mere month before Tom Hanks received his Academy Awards for the role of Andrew Beckett. Her world is one where Ellen Degeneres came out on her sitcom and then went on to host the Academy Awards herself. A world where it is ok to be openly gay, even if you were a teen heart throb in a boy band.

Grace truly couldn't figure out why a professional attorney would be so uncomfortable in the situation of merely talking to a gay man. In 16 years, the world has changed so much that not only did she not find the scenario one that would be odd, she couldn't even figure out why it would be odd for anyone.

The world has changed. I know there is still a far way to go. But it is encouraging to me to see that my daughter really doesn't even have a knowledge of some of the "truths" my generation was raised to believe.

Way back when

I know I'm getting old when I start having thoughts like this.

Last Friday night, after the ultrasound-when-we-heard-the-slug's-heartbeat-and-thought-holy-shit-we-really-have-a-viable-pregnancy, the one we have that is much more independent called my cell phone. "Can you pick up pizza on the way home?" After a short discussion, my husband and I decided this would be fine, called the location of a local franchise on our way home and ordered 2 pizzas with our favorite toppings (feta cheese and fresh tomato slices on one, pepperoni and mushrooms on the other. You have to decide which pizza was Grace's pick.)

After stopping by the pharmacy for prenatal vitamins to nourish the slug*, we hurried along to the pizza shop. It's used mostly for delivery and take out, but they also have a few booths there where you can actually dine in. It's not posh and there's no table service, but still, you can come in and have pizza and a coke with your friends if you like. As we stood there waiting for the cashier to get our pizzas off the warmer for us, I started looking around. The cash register is a computer. The menu display of the wall is prefabricated and full of colorful promotions. The music was being piped in through a satellite relay. And suddenly...I felt old.

Do you remember being a kid and the way things worked made sense? A cash register was just that -- a machine that kept the money. You knew how much you made at the end of the day by counting it. And the inventory was accounted for by going to the stock room with a pad of paper and a pencil. The music in a pizza place was selected by tuning into a local radio station and either playing it loud on a boombox or, if it was really a schnazzy set-up, by setting a microphone next to it that was hooked up to the store's built-in PA system. The menu at the place was on paper menus, or if it was on the wall, it was made from a white board with those individual letters and numbers. They even came in red and green.

In a few short years, the whole world has changed. I know every generation watches this happen around them, but it just seemed so drastic to me as I stood there in the pizza place. I look at the world around me and I realize, the world I grew up in doesn't exist anymore. Grace and I were talking about Barbara Walters the other day and I was explaining that her role in news and reporting didn't start with The View. I explained that Barbara Walters was the first woman to be a news anchor on a major television network in the US. But then I realized, the significance of that achievement is completely lost on Grace. The world in which people wanted to be home by 5:30p so that they could watch the national news at 6p and have dinner afterward at 6:30p, this world doesn't exist anymore.

It makes me sad. I realized standing there in the pizza place, it's not that I've grown older and that I can't experience my youth anymore, it's that the world of my youth is gone. I can't find it anymore. Everything about the world now is new, shiny, improved, and different. I find myself going back to my hometown and wanting to sit under the big tree in front of the library just because that's still the same tree and hasn't changed. The library still smells the same too, but the system of borrowing books that I grew up with has gone the way of the buffalo. When I was a kid and you wanted to get a library card, the librarian pulled out a blank card made of cardstock that had a metal plate already attached to it. The color of your card indicated how old you were, so it was a matter of great excitement when you traded in your childish pink card for a young adult green card. The librarian would feed the card into the typewriter and type your name on it. Then she would file your information in a filing cabinet somewhere safe. When you checked out a book, she placed your card in a machine that made an impression with mimeograph ink and would print on the checkout card that I had taken the book. Then she would stamp my book with an ink date in the back of the book saying when it was due back to the library. It was an easy system to follow; if you wanted to know when a book was due back, you just checked in the back and looked at the date. Now I have to find the computer printout the library gave me or check the date online.

Am I the only one who's tired of talking to someone two continents away when I'm checking my credit card charges? Is anyone out there wishing for the simplicity of using cash or, dare I say it, a personal check? Or playing board games or card games? Or having decent radio stations that really entertain?

I guess this is ironic to say in the blogging community, that the rapid progression with which the modern world is transforming our existence has a downside. But there is part of me that realizes, we lose something while we gain. Lately I've been wanting the world to slow down a little.

*By the way, lest y'all think I am being just a little too demeaning towards my developing offspring by referring to it as a 'slug,' this is the label my REE gave it. When I saw the image on the ultrasound screen, I said it was like a little piece of rice. She said, 'I like to think of it as a slug at this stage.' Maybe when we get to a later stage of gestation, we'll give it a more affectionate name. For now, I am "slug mama."

A Bubblewench Exclusive: Up close and personal with the author of Comparative Childhood

In case you've just tuned in, or in case you're a long time reader who has more questions about all I write here...

Bubblewench of The Blogs of Life has interviewed me at a very special setting, here at my blog. Imagine that the two of us are sitting in big, deep garnet chairs with lots of throw pillows and a plush rug under our feet. There is a roaring fire in the background (oh yes, warmth) and we look stylish, well-coiffed and completely relaxed, poised with glasses of merlot. She has the interviewing talent of Barbara Walters, I tell you, and I, the ability to charm like Angelina Jolie. Between good-hearted laughs, we have the following conversation...

Bubblewench:
When you recently merged households you talked about all the duplicate things. Was there anything neither of you had that you had to go get? Like no one had a slotted spatula?

Heather:

Oh, with all we have gone through to get everything in one house, I wouldn't begin to imagine that there were things we didn't have! My husband and I, along with my daughter, finally moved into one household together after almost four years of marriage. We maintained two households in two states for more than three years of marriage, waiting to find a home that would be ours together. And that would hold all of our stuff.

So, what did we not have? Surprisingly MANY things. A funnel. A milk frother.

Yes, the milk frother is so we can make cappuccino by using an Italian espresso pot and then adding the milk after instead of having to make the espresso in an American-style pressurized machine.

(snickers heard off-camera)

Are your cameramen laughing at me, Bubblewench?

A queen size bed. A bed frame. We've been living in places that are limited on space, so a queen size bed never made it into our lives. But now we have the space for it and, ah, um, well. My husband is tall. And I kick a lot in my sleep. So we don't have a queen size bed even though we do have four beds.

A couch. We have four love seats and no couch. This goes back to that thing about small houses. We just didn't have the square footage to commit to a full size couch. So right now at our house no one curls up on a couch for a nap unless they are small. Like the cat.

Bubblewench:
Did you ever let Grace see Sweeney Todd, the movie? And how did she like the stage version?

Heather:

(laughing with a slight lilt of embarrassment in her tone)

No, haha, I never let Grace see the movie. I'm traditional like that, you know? It's rated R, and she's only 14, and I just don't want her getting the idea that it's ok to see rated R movies. I also heard it was pretty bloody.

She watched the stage version of the musical on DVD and she liked it a lot. She also got the soundtrack from the musical and listened to it. (you know, I like that Johnny Depp, but he cannot sing! I am so surprised!) But her enamorment with Sweeney Todd stopped pretty soon thereafter. I think she thought it was kind of depressing, you know? She went to the library and checked out a bunch of other Broadway musical CDs -- You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, Grease, and Little Shop of Horrors. I guess she likes more upbeat kind of themes. With some comedy.

Bubblewench:
Living in Michigan, is it true you have to have a whole room full of long johns, sweaters, gloves, hats, scarves and all sorts of winter gear? Do you have snowshoes?

Heather:

Well, now, come on! Bubblewench, I know you're way down there south of the Mason-Dixon, but Michigan isn't a foreign country where it seems like you sorta suggested! It seems like, wow, how could you be in touch with the rest of Washington DC when you're...

oh, wait. That was inappropriate. I'm sorry. That was just me channelling my inner VP-hopeful.

OK, now that we have a house, we really do have a mudroom. I never thought I'd say that! It seems so Martha Stewertish! Still, we do. All the snowshoes stay there through the winter. That is, if what you mean by snowshoes is just shoes for the snow, not those eskimo things made of wood that you see in movies about sledding and hunting like Iron Will. Right now there're probably about 8 pairs of snowshoes in the mudroom even though there are only 3 of us living in the house. I really like that mudroom, you know?

As for me, I have two pair of snowshoes, my L.L. Bean gumshoes and an old pair of Rockports that are falling apart.

We don't have a room for all the gear. Every closet and dresser serves as that. Oh, but I do have something I swear by as a Michigander: silk long underwear. If you ever find yourself in a cold climate and need to layer, get some. I have at least 5-6 pairs of bottoms and 8-10 tops. On top of that and the rest of my clothes, I do like to have matching hat/scarf/gloves sets. Of several colors. I mean, you can't wear black gloves with a brown coat. And you can't wear a black coat with black gloves/hat/scarf with a brown outfit, or a blue outfit, or a green outfit...

Bubblewench:
I heard a rumor that you are a conservative. I also heard a rumor that you secretly dress up as wonder women when no one is around and also think you have an invisible jet. Are these true?

Heather:

Ah, well, um. Am I a political conservative. Hm. I always think I'm more conservative than I should be. I was raised in a very conservative climate, you know, right in the heart of the religious right, James Dobson, D. James Kennedy and the whole National Day of Prayer, overturn Roe v. Wade, true-love-waits crowd. It was somewhat nice to be in a culture where everyone agreed on everything and every issue was black and white. You never really had to think about anything too deeply in that world.

I voted for a democrat for the first time in 1990, but I think it was more of an act of adult independence than it was an informed choice. I'll confess, my move from the right to the left came fairly recently. I lived in Texas in 1998 and I...oh, I can't believe I'm going to tell you people this...I voted for George W. Bush for his re-election as governor. I'm ashamed to say that I can't even remember if I voted in the first election when he beat Ann Richards in 1994. I think I may have voted though, and in some Christmas tree method, because I didn't know much about the candidates. Ann Richards scared me a little. She was like no other woman I had ever encountered. Maybe the bad things that the politically conservative Christians I knew had said about her were true. In the 2000 presidential election, after I pretty much left the church, I voted for Nader. I was of the mindset that the effect of having Gore or Bush in the White House wouldn't matter. Nothing in Washington ever changes what really happens on a day to day basis. I was very typical of my Gen X demographic. Both major candidates were white, men, rich, born into families of power and influence, named after a father who was in office in Washington, southern, Ivy League educated...could they really relate to ME? I mean, did anything these guys stand for set them apart from each other? So I voted for Nader. I think the Dubya years have pushed me way to the left. Right has become insanely illogical. Do I think the same might happen if the left got too much power? Hell, yes.

(takes a sip of wine slowly, then rests it back down on a table close by)

So to answer the question: I am a social liberal and a fiscal conservative. And I think bipartisan politics is bad for a government. I kinda fit in with my cohorts of the same generation in saying, couldn't government work to make good rather than making war (figurative or literal)? People like Coulter and Huckabee and Palin make me crazy; they are way too divisive.

Bubblewench:
Wonder Woman. You darted the Wonder Woman question.

Heather:

Oh, did I?

(smiles)

That Linda Carter, she was something, wasn't she? Who didn't want to be that woman when she was growing up? There are rumors that I dress up like Wonder Woman when I think no one is around? And that I think I have an invisible jet?

Look, if I do have an invisible jet, and I'm not saying I do, let's just say it's getting good fuel mileage and has low carbon emissions. OK? 'Cause otherwise the Legion of Doom would be able to detect me within four seconds after takeoff, duh!

Bubblewench:
Are there any shows on TV you watch regularly?

Heather:

Oh, wow. What a great question! It reveals a kind of quirky part of my daily life, though! Yes, there are shows I watch regularly, but I don't watch them on TV. The truth of the matter is that we just got cable for the first time a few months ago. It was mega-powerful DVR first with over 400 channels, then less powerful DVR with 100+ stations. Now it's a satellite, and we still have a lot of stations and the machine does all kinds of things I am ignorant of. Every time I try to change the channel, I screw something up. I'm so embarrassed about it that instead of asking for help, I just slink away until Grace comes and fixes it.

I watch TV shows online. Every week I watch some of the broadcasts of The View, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I know, I'm a news junky and I love hearing about current events! These three shows mix it up with just enough smart wittiness and comedy to keep me laughing.

But while we're on the topic, there are so many show out there that I have never watched and have absolutely no desire to ever see. It's all these shows that have a saga like quality to them, and lots of drama. Lost, Heroes, 24, The Sopranos, Big Love. I can do without them all. There's just something about the ongoing drama that doesn't appeal to me. There's also the chick shows, like Gilmore Girls, Sex in the City, and Desperate Housewives. I'm not turned on by these either. I rarely go to the movie theatre or watch a movie at home because so infrequently is there one that I think is worth two hours of my time. I like movies that have a subtle message, one you have to find in the midst of an exciting plot. Like Jumanji or Forever Young. Or one that just gets you on every level of your soul, like The Notebook.

(they both nod knowingly and the cameras pull away to show that their conversation continues...)

(lights fade to fireplace only, and then out of focus to....black)

Thank you, Bubblewench, for a great interview!

We the Bloggers

Did anyone else catch the video clip of Sarah Palin calling bloggers 'liars'? Is anyone else more than a little put off by this comment? She is trying to raise her popularity in an effort to be a serious contender in the next presidential election, right?

Here's the video:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I'm not saying anything about Trig and everything else she says we're all lying about. But I'm a little miffed. She just lumps up all bloggers and calls them liars? Given that I don't support her, I'm sure that even though I don't address Trig, there's something here in my blog that would justify her calling me a liar.

Well, well, well. I couldn't leave well enough alone. I'm speaking out for the bloggers, because I think Sarah Palin has missed a big point here. Bloggers are the people. We're not authorities, we're your constituents. When we write about something, you should pay attention because it's what we care about. If there's lots and lots written about Trig, then maybe releasing your medical records during the campaign would have put the rumors to rest, eh, Governor? I'm not suggesting anything, I'm just asking, if it's so offensive to you that the rumors fly, then why don't you do something to end them? I'm sure you've got evidence, so why not give that rather than go around blasting bloggers? Give the evidence, then blast the bloggers. See how much more effective a retort that would be?

I emailed her today. No really! I did! I just thought, why not? She wants my vote in the near future, I presume, and I figured I tell her to wake up. Here's the letter:

Dear Governor Palin,

In the last few weeks, I have become increasingly concerned given your rhetoric the last few days about the bias of the media. Today you went beyond the professional media to bloggers. Since I am a blogger, I thought I should email you.

I am a concerned citizen of the United States. I vote in each election, local, state and national. I am a mother of a teenager and remarried. I am a feminist. I am an independent voter.

I am not a liar.

My blog includes a lot of my thoughts about the world, and that includes the current economic and political situations in the world. I have written about you on my blog. Sometimes I cited my sources for what I said. Many times what I wrote could be considered editorial commentary, thus needed no citation. Sometimes I wrote what I knew to be true without going through the trouble to cite it. But again, I don't lie.

Bloggers are an interesting bunch -- there's lots of statistics out there on them. Advertisers have jumped on what they call the "Word of Mom," realizing that bloggers, specifically women who are mothers, listen to each other. Many are stay at home moms, many are career women. Many are balancing the delicate balance between two households that their children live in due to joint custody agreements. The point is, we are as diverse as the population of women across the country. We are opinionated, outspoken, and for the first time, our demographic is being heard in numbers that have never before been seen.

You should check out technorati's annual report, "State of the Blogosphere." The URL is http://technorati.com/blogging/state-of-the-blogosphere/ . It gives many interesting facts about the demographics of bloggers. I think most interesting to you should be that by attacking bloggers, you are attacking a huge number of people. Millions. Most of them highly educated. Highly involved. Highly invested in the future of their communities and their nation. Attacking them and calling them liars is not a good move when you're trying to raise your popularity and (I assume it is your goal) to stay in office.

Feel free to check out my blog. It's at http://www.comparativechildhood.com. It's anonymous, because I write about my teen daughter and I respect her privacy. You understand that, I know. But for you to know, my name is Heather *********, I live in **********, Michigan, and when I voice my opinions in a venue distinct from my blog, I am not anonymous. If you'd like to easily find my posts about you, you can look under the tag of "politics" (all the tags of my posts are listed in the lefthand column about halfway down). Yes, there are a lot of posts with this tag (currently 49), but you come up a lot because of your similarity to my demographic and that of my readers.

I don't expect you will read this email, given that you are probably receiving hundreds a day due to your recent media blitz. I hope you will read this email, but I'm not counting on it. If you do, I'd love to have a correspondence with you (or one of your aides) regarding how your comments are not helping yourself, improving the situation in the country, nor aiding in finding a solution to your gripes. My own opinion is that your comments are causing deep wounds and further deepening the divides that exist in the country. As a public servant, your choices in what you say and in what context matter. And calling Americans with an opinion liars is irresponsible. It is our job as citizens to make our opinions known and to examine the whether a candidate for public office is fit to serve. Given your stances on social conservatism, most Americans feel it is important to examine the family life of such a person. Given that yours had many facets, the people wanted to know more. And in the 21st century, that means they blog about it. You should try and figure out a way to engage the blogging community and the media rather than blame them, for we are the voice of this nation. We are the people. We are not "them;" we are Americans.

best,
Heather ********

Anyone else out there ready to start a email blitz about this? I mean, come on! If our public servants start complaining that we ask too many questions, what is next? I'm not saying we have the right to pry into every single detail of her life, but she's the one who brought light to the blogging rumors and her daughter's pregnancy. If she had just left it alone it would have remained as it was -- a rumor. But the bottom line is, I as a citizen have the right to ask questions. We can't let her relegate the entire blogging community to rogue reporting. We are much more than that. Collectively we are the voice of the people. To call bloggers liars is to call the people of the country liars.

The governor's email is governor@gov.state.ak.us